Mmmmmm! Ice cream. Soy ice cream, actually - but just as good!
And check out those big brown eyes. (That's bizarre - I just previewed the post and his eyes look all messed up and weird!)

So I posted about their weirdness prior to this post...and what else happened to day...

I went to the daycare centre and met with the teacher who will be working with Cuyler. I brought a pack of diapers, wipes, a toothbrush and a soother so I wouldn't have to bother with all of that next week. We were trying to decide how best to transition him on Tuesday. I don't think there is a painless way to do it, unfortunately. They go out at 9am for an hour...so I would have dropped him off outside and then they would have had to coax him into a place he's never been before (inside). It was decided that after he did so well at CIP that I wouldn't go with him to the daycare and "stay" with him for any visits. That would confuse him and he'd assume that Mommy would always stay. Not sure how I feel about that now...time will tell. So we decided that I would bring him at 8:20 (that's early for me). He'd play for 15-20 minutes, have snack, tidy up and then go outside. She said to call at 10 and see how he's doing and that she'd like to keep him the full morning, so to pack a lunch.
I am beginning to feel anxious...scared and nervous. I'm sure the exact same way every parent feels when they are dropping their child off at daycare for the very first time - diagnosis or not.
I even went out and bought the nicest smelling baby soap and lotion I could find. In my twisted, paranoid mind I think they'll treat him better if he smells good. That sounds so f'd up! But I do feel that way.

And just to make sure that Cam knows we care about him and his big day next week (...well 20 minutes the first day, 2 hours - 4 days later, 1/2 a day - 2days after that, then a full day of school 2 days after that) God I hate this staggered entry. I gues for the little ones who ned it, ya it's fine - but I think it'll piss Cam off. "Why can't I go all day?" "When do I get to eat lunch there?" He's been in a prgram for 2 years now so he's more than ready. I can see for the little one who have never been away, they'd need the slow transition. ANYWAYS, I digress...I packed him his snack and his lunch in the lunchbag and put that into his backpack to make sure he was able to open and close the containers and to see if his lunch was still hot in the thermos. I am SO not worried about him - he could open everything - even unscrew his thermos lid, he ate everything and put it all away all by himself. We even worked on wiping his own bum today. He left the toilet paper on the floor and forgot to flush. But his arse was clean. Good job buddy!

Last night I stayed up until midnight to register them for swimming. Online registration began at midnight. And just to let you know why I stayed up so late to do it - Cams class was full, with no available spots left by 12:30am. This town is messed up with their rec programs!! They just cannot accomodate everybody. The E-Reg was so busy at midnight that our credit card was declined 4 times because the server was too busy to process it. I was shitting my pants that our card was actually being declined for financial reasons - but apparently it happened to quite a few people. So that's done.

I thought this week was a dead week for us - with NO appointments...us just hanging out. But I was wrong. We had the developmental consultant and the resource consultant here on Tuesday. I had the meeting with the centre today and we have the physiotherapist and resource consultant coming at 10am tomorrow. I will be so glad and relieved that all of his therapies can take place within the centre once he starts and I won't have to worry about the house being clean or having enough gas to get from here to there. They'll both be SOOO So so close to home!
Sean is taking Friday off and we are going to the zoo. Cams excited and I am really anxious to see how Cuyler will react this year. If he'll be excited with each animal he sees or if he'll spend the day saying "all done!" "Bye bye aafant" "bye bye bear" "bye bye muh-kee" If it's warm enough we'll try him at Splashzone (in the zoo). This year, he likes the small splashpad near our house, so he shouldn't be too freaked out here...who knows...like everything - we gotta try!

I can' believe tomorrow is SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!

My kids are weird.
Cam thinks that wearing "makeup" is cool..But only if it's not girl colours. So it's totally fine to wear green. If it's made by Crayola and it's washable, it's totally fine by me too. I just hope he doesn't do it at school.

And Cuyler...well how is he supposed to remember to take off his diaper and his t-shirt for a bath?? Especially if Mommy isn't around to help. I said that I was getting his bath ready for him. I went to get his towel from my room and shout out my window to the back to Cam that I was upstairs giving Cuy a bath. When I went in their bathroom I found him already in the tub. Fully dressed.

I didn't have any pics from today, so I've added one from yesterday. For some reason I don't think people will read if there's no picture to grab them and draw them to the words...maybe it's just me..I like pictures.

Good day today. I think I missed the registration for Networking. And I am pissed.
I haven't missed one in ages and I was just so busy with Kelly here and all of our appointments are on Tues or Thurs and those were the days to sign up and register and I missed it last week...damn
Networking is where I drop the boys off in a gym program and go sit with other Moms and drink coffee and "listen" to a guest speaker talk about various parenting issues, most of which I have no interest in, but the fact that I get to finish a large coffee without having to microwave it at least twice because it take so long to drink at home is why I go. Oh ya - and it's great social experience for Cuyler...that too.

Last swimming class today...now we don't go until the end of Sept, so we'll have to take Cuy to a few family swims before the fall session starts just to kee him used to it. I'll sign them both up for Fall and Winter lesson tomorrow. Cam will go Mondays 7-7:30pm in the Fall and Mondays 10:30-11am in the Winter. Cuyler will go Thursdays 1-1:30 Fall & Winter - so won't have both of them together anymore, which is alright by me!
I swore I'd only put my kids in 1 sport or activity per season, but I think swimming is a life skill - so they're gonna know how to swim - even if they don't enjoy it, they'll at least know how.
Cam will be in hockey Tuesdays from 6-6:50 for 20 weeks, starting in October. He's so excited to get his skates back on - let's hope they fit him still.
Sean has hockey on Wednesdays and I signed up for deep water aquafit on Thursdays. I need something for me. And my dr insists that I excersice. He wasn't thrilled with the weight loss (I WAS!) and the fact that I don't excersice. I feel it in my body that I need to be more active. Plus my friend Robin is signing up for it and things are more fun when your not alone!

Not much else for today - a boring entry, but those are ok...that means that we had a good day.
I go tomorrow to meet with Cuylers teacher. I will drop off all of his things he'll need - diapers, wipes, a centre soother that will stay there. I want to give her some info on his diet and some strategies to help her deal with him during difficult situations and some of the things that calm him.
At least I know I'm not alone - my cousin Corrine's little guy Josh is starting daycare the same day as Cuyler...we'll call each other and cry.
I got him an awesome Franklin the Turtle insulated lunch bag, as I'll be providing his gfcf lunches and snacks. He just loves "KwayKway"!! (yes - that is how he says "Franklin")
I got it off ebay and should be here before school starts - fingers crossed!

Then there's Cam...my big kindergarten boy. We bought his backpak on the weekend and he picked out a lunch bag today...we're all set. Should I be sad? I don't think I am. I am excited for him. He's so smart and I think he'll do great. Heck - he's got 2 years of nursery school under his belt and he's only 4! I think once I see the big school and all the bigger kids it'll hit me. But I'm not dreading it or anxious quite yet...maybe next week.

A Cuyler funny that is only funny if you actually heard it. We were watching Bob The Builder and there was a line that he just couldn't stop laughing over...it was so random I don't know what was funny about it, but all Cam or I had to say was "Forget your birthday Bob? Oh Never!" and he would double over laughing. He even got the hiccups so bad from laughing a few times he did little throw up burps!

Ahh good times...

Ahhh...pictures! It's been awhile. Today there are plenty to share and there is plenty to celebrate!!

Let me begin by saying that I don't think anyone has held Cuyler (other than Sean or I) in well over a year. He just doesn't dig other people touching him. When Kelly was here, he asked her to pick him up...he wanted to swing around. That was a big deal for us.
Today - he walked up to Mum, raised his arms and said "Up". Obviously Mum obliged. She thought he wanted to go upside down (Cam was doing somersaults at the same time). She flipped him and put him down...he wasn't impressed. He raised his arms again and said "up" again. She obliged again. It was funny - she looked at me like "...ok..." She picked him up and he starts lovin her up, snuggling and cuddling. Luckily the camera was right there and I got the whole thing on camera!
The other thing he did today - was paint (obviously). He's so not into colouring or crafts at all, but Cam was paintng with his friends who were over and Cuy decided he wanted to join (YAY!). Well - doesn't he hold the paint brush with a proper pincer grasp!!(something he hasn't been able to do until today!). That was even a question that the psychologist asked regarding his fine motor, "Can he hold a crayon with a pincer grip?" "No" we replied....uhhhhhhh, make that YES!!!! This is, again, us celebrating the small things.

We had Brodie and Caleb over this morning. It was so apparent to me that Cam is a special needs sibling. Caleb is 9 days younger than Cam. Brodie is 2weeks, 2days younger than Cuyler.
Cam acts and reacts very differently to Brodie than he does to Cuyler. He understands that Cuyler is different from Brodie and that we have to deal with Cuy differently. Caleb acts and reacts to Cuy, the same way he does to Brodie and it ain't always pretty. For instance, Cuyler wanted to paint and grabbed Calebs paintbrush. Caleb grabbed it back and said "No Cuyler! It's mine!" Well, Cuyler doesn't let go and Caleb doesn't let go (I don't blame him!) and Cuyler starts swatting at Caleb and screaming and threw all the paint on the floor and swiped the paper of the table.
The same thing happened yesterday when Cam was painting only Cam let it go and said "Mommy, Cuyler has my paintbrush, can you get him one for himself?" Cam just instinctively seems to know how to interact and deal with Cuyler. He seems to know how to avoid tantrums and he has patience with him that typical kids don't have with him because they just see him and treat him like all the others (which is good). I can't even explain it, and I don't think I'm explaining it very well but it was very apparent to me today the instincts Cam has with Cuyler...it made me all warm and fuzzy.

We started today the same way we ended it. With tantrums. Not sure why..but after he woke up from a solid 12 hour sleep - he was full of piss and vinegar. Just screamed and was angry. Not even his soother would soothe him. After he calmed, he had a pretty decent day. He even went up and put himself down for a nap. Seriously - he did. Came upstairs. Got onto his bed and fell asleep. It actually worried me briefly...then after dinner (which he ate none of) we had a blast outside. When it was time to come in a get jammies on - whoa - he was mad again. Not sure what caused the moodiness today, but I hope tomorrow is a better day. We have the RC and Debbie (the developmental counsellor) coming.

The transdermal B12 came in and I'm afraid to go pick it up. I think it's going to cost a LOT of money that we don't have right now. She special ordered it from a pharmacy downtown. She called to tell me it was in and when I asked her the cost, she said she didn't know as she didn't have the invoice in front of her...ya right. So I think we'll use it and then go to the injections. I hate to do it, but I feel the same way about the B12 as I do about the diet. I've read so many amazing things about the B12 injection that we need to at least try it. She wants to avoid the injection b/c she thinks it'll traumatize him. But I think the bill for the transdermal will traumatize me...and Sean...

I should be getting back on track with this blogging thing. Had a busy few weeks lately and things are settling down now - thank God.
I didn't read back to my last post so I don't know if I'll repeat anything so here goes...

Cuy had his PAS evaluation last Thursday and that was interesting. We didn't get ANY feedback that day - not for another month or so. But we get there and we meet a psychologist and an assistant (I assume she was an assistant). They take us into a room with toys...it's pretty inviting to Cuy as he walked in willingly and only protested for a few seconds after the door was closed. So the psychologist asked Sean and I what felt like 200 questions. He was this eccentric type dr who swiftly asked question after question, only wanting a "yes", "no" or "sometimes" answer. It became really apparent to us where is diffculties lay and where his strengths are by us answering "no" "no" "no" "no" "no" - we could see those problem areas ie: self-help, communication(which we thought he was really coming along with - and he is - but we see how much he is still missing). Gross motor - of course were all yes's (except for pedalling a bike and hopping on 1 foot...that's pretty hard to do...)
As he's asking us questions - she's on the floor observing and playing with Cuyler and he, of course, is charming her with his good looks, newly acquired eye contact and single word requests (bubbles?). She told us afterwards that he is really bright and very aware of his environment. And that's a great sign. Ya...good or bad - dependng on how you look at it.
Kids who score moderate/severe ASD qualify for PAS (20-30hrs weekly intensive therapy).
Kids who score mild ASD do not qualify and get taken off the list. So while we want him to do great and move forward, we also want to qualify for these services. Too bad he didn't put on a show like he did for the dr who gave him the "severe ASD" diagnosis. Boy-oh-boy what a shit-fit he threw for the entire appt that day!!
But he really did do a good job. I honestly have no feeling either way - so whatever they tell us when we meet with them next month will surprise me. I know I'll be anxious. But I shouldn't be - no matter what they tell us that day will be good news. Either he qualifies for the services, or he's kicking autism in the ass and growing further away from the diagnosis given to him 3 months ago. It's all good.

Sean and I took off around noon on Friday to Ottawa for his cousins wedding. What a beautiful weekend it was too! We got there around 4pm and hung out for a bit with Seans family who were also staying at the same Inn as us (we took over the joint - what a blast!). Seans parents and Sean and I then went to the cottage for the rehearsal. Then hung out for the evening.
Saturday we got up, got coffee and spent the day hanging around the Inn with everyone. It was so nice and relaxing!
The ceremony was at the family cottage and the weather could not have been more perfect for them. Sean played guitar as his dad sang at the wedding - they did an amazing job!!
We got up first thing this morning and headed home. We missed our boys and couldn't wait to get back to them. It's a 4hr ride, so we wanted to get back early and have the day with them.
Kelly flew home yesterday and I felt awful that we left and she was still here. We only see her once a year, but she stayed here with Mum and hung out with the boys. Cuyler was growing close to her and even asked her to pick him up. Only really special people get that honour!

Well...I have 1 week left until my babies start school. I'm not thinking about it and if I do, I only let myself think about the benefits that will come from them being where they'll be. Cam and I took a special shopping trip to pick out a school bag for him. He chose SpiderMan.
Of course. Because he's a big kid now.

Waaahh!

I didn't realize I hadn't posted since Saturday...
I've been busy and have had Kelly visiting so it's been nice..no tv last night, no computer last night. Just a really great visit.
We had the supervisor and the RC here on Monday for a meeting. Basically Sean and I stated what our expectations were and that we expect Cuyler to be treated like any other kid there. Obviously his capabilities may be different, but we expect him to fully participate in all areas of the program once he starts. We want to them to expect from him, what they expect from all of the other children.
I finally feel as thought they understand us and are on the same page as us. I really believe that it helps to have Sean there. I think when they hear us both talking about what we want for him, they have no choice but to be on board. And it helps me - I don't feel that I have ALL the pressure to be the advocate, we're a team and we fight for him together.
So thank God that's taken care of...one more thing settled!

His last day of CIP is tomorrow. It should be Thursday, but he goes for his PAS evaluation (Preschool Autism Service). They will do yet another evaluation on him to see if he qualifies aka to see if he is severe enough. If he's too high functioning - they take him off the wait list (which is currently 18-24 months long). We want him to qualify because the PAS program offers the Applied Behaviour Analysis, OT and Speech services...so maybe we'll wake him up extra early and feed him lots of sugar on the way there!!!! (kidding...kind of)
His speech path is coming to observe him tomorrow at CIP, which I am SOOOO glad for! I want her to see him there and how he interacts and reacts in a social environment. And to see how he's using the Picture Exchange System (PECS). She didn't think we should use it, but I wanted her to see him in action with it before making the decision final (it's mine actually-not hers, but I want her input after seeing him use it).

So after this week we have an ENTIRE week off before he starts daycare...I can't even believe it! I have wanted this so badly for him and it's here and I just can't believe it! I don't know how I feel about it. Actually I do - Happy. Sad. Excited. Anxious.

I feel the same way about Cam starting JK. I am so excited for him and a bit sad that it's here already. I feel like I just had him and here he is going off to school. I am just grateful that I will be there at the gate as he walks in and turns and waves to me. And I will be grateful that I had the last 4.5 yrs to just hang with him and Cuy...the three of us.
Funny how I can feel them needing me less and less. Not funny, scary actually. They still need me, but Cuy will NEED the program more than he'll need to be with me. Cam needs to get back into a groove with school. He's so bright that school will give him that challenge that he needs.

Speaking of needing me - big red wants to cuddle.

Cam got his first "allowance" today.
Sean decided that we were going to go clean crazy on our upper level today and enlisted me to do the bathrooms, Cam to put the toys in their proper places and he'd put the laundry away (that was sitting in the basket for 3 days - putting it away is his job) and vacuum.

Cam did a great job (after all of his stalling tactics failed) and got 2 dollars (and 30 cents). He was allowed to go to the dollar store and buy 2 things - anything he wanted (the 30cents was to cover taxes).
He chose to buy this mini soccer/foos ball game for him AND Cuyler to share. He thought this was a great toy because it was made for 2 people to play - he had Cuyler in mind the whole time. He also bought a cute little cement truck for his sandbox. Hopefully this will prompt him to help out a bit more with his basic responsibilities, ie putting his things away, "folding" his bed (as he calls it).
He did get a tummy ache from having to clean up, but once I put him in bed to help him feel better - the tummy ache got better real quick.

We had a low key day today. Went out for a long drive and then went to Superstore to get their milk and chicken.
While in the store I slipped on a grape.
And fell down.
Mmm hmm...I fell down in the Superstore on a Saturday afternoon. I told the woman behind the produce counter that she needed to put a sign up on the floor and get it cleaned. When I told her I fell, she looked worried."OMIGOSH! You fell!?" "Yes I did."
I was sofa king embarassed, I just walked away while I heard some well dressed office-y looking guy who worked there say "It was just a grape."
Ya...and I could just sue you...but I won't...but I really need the money...and your kinda of an ass...so maybe I will...but I have enough going on...so your lucky - I won't...
Seriously - he's lucky I just hurt my knee's and my big right toe. And didn't break anything - that could HAVE happened .
Damn! Grapes are slippery.

We went to Mark and Mary's for dinner and had a lovely visit with them. Their house is so welcoming to Cuyler now...except for the dog - neither of my boys are dog lovers.
They have all the toys that Cuyler used to play with. He loves them at their house - but never bothered with them here. But he was busy playing and was in a great mood the whole time. Cam played poker with the men.
I think he's got the Luck 'o the Irish - he got some pretty great hands!

No pictures today...no time.

I had a visit with the supervisor that I have mentioned before. I put the call in yesterday about the RC and stated that I could NOT and would NOT have that attitude on his team and requested another RC. She would like resolution ASAP and came today for a chat. Logistically - she can't do anything. So our only choice is to find a way to make it work for 3 mos. So Sean, myself, the RC and the supervisor will meet Monday evening at 5 to settle this once and for all. Thank God!

KELLY ARRIVED - finally! She didn't get in til 1:30am this morning and her luggage just got here an hour ago. So we just hung out at Mums for the afternoon with Kelly while Mum was at work. It was a great visit.

Sean and I took Cuy to the Naturopath and I can't tell you how thrilled I was! We were there for about an hour and half and he was amazing. Mind you - we had the appointment in the reception area, as he was calm and playing there and I wanted her to see him and get an idea of what he's like. She was quite smitten with him and impressed (but who isn't when they meet him?). So we got some CLO/EFA as we were out and she gave us a B12 chewable until the transdermal comes in. She said that the probiotic/acidophilus chewable that he's getting is fine - thank God - her's are SO expensive. I am psyched about the B12. I hope that one day he can get the injection, but for now we'll just do the chewable. The transdermal has to be put together ( they go by Cuy's weight) by a pharmacist in the city so we're waiting for that to be done. Hopefully the chewable will show results.
She is also getting some digestive enzymes as a a sample as she s not sure he'll like the mint flavour. If he does - we'll purchase a bottle.
So for now he gets 5ml CLO , 1 probiotic tablet and 1 B12 tablet with breakfast.
Lunch he gets 1 B12 tablet. Dinner 1 probiotic. And his cal/mag D3 before bed.
Who knows when we'll have to give the enzymes...
And after all of that - we're broke. This stuff is expensive!
Oh - she recommended I get a B5 into me everyday. She thinks I am running on stress and thinks that I'll hit a wall soon. She noticed my psoriasis and asked me some questions about my health.
I'm underweight now. I went for my physical on Wednesday and the dr wants me to put on a few pounds. I lost 7 pounds over the last few months and I guess when you start off at 110 - losing 7 is a big deal. I'm eating ok and sleeping good - but I can feel the stress an anxiety still. Hopefully these B5's work.

Kelly's here for a visit! Yippee!

I thought these were too cute not to post!
I love it when my boys play like pals! This was the first time I have ever seen them play in the sandbox together! I was so happy when Cuy stepped in and sat down beside Cam...these are the little things that we celebrate.

Kelly has yet to arrive - her flight was cancelled and she got on another that arrived 3 hrs later than the orginal flight. Now this second flight is delayed by an hour - so she won't arrive until midnight and we won't see her til tomorrow. Bummer.

We did have a great visit at Chris and Dana's place. Mum, Auntie Eileen and Uncle Mitty, Corrine, Mark and Josh were there as well as Mums cousin Michael and his wife Carol and their kids Megan, Bridget and Ben. I had a great chat with Carol about Cuyler and she was able to give me some good advice and insight as to where we are, and where we'll go on our journey. They have 3 great kids and I valued their opinions and appreciated them sharing their stories with me. I felt really positive afterwards.

Cuyler had a great time running around the backyard with the kids and kicking the ball and tackling poor Ben! It just seems SO much easer doing things with him now. I still dread going out with him - but my fear of what will happen doesn't pan out like it used to. He's so much more able to manage and cope in different situations whereas before - he would melt down and tantrum.

Cute Cam story: He was sitting on the couch and said out of the blue "Mommy, do you know what It Stinks means?"
I reply "When something doesn't smell nice?"
He replies "Noooo! It's when the animals in the jungle and forest are all dead and there are no more left cause they all went to heaven. It means It Stinks!"
Me "Ohhhh, you mean extinct!"
...Guess you had to be there.

I'm finishing this here. Should be an interesting update tomorrow....

We found the source of the wasps that have invaded our backyard. It was easily removed - thank God. They had been stripping the wood off of the play structure and I couldn't figure out where the heck they were coming from. Cam made this birdfeeder at nursery school in the winter and it's been in the birch ever since.
It's gone now tho.

A good day today. I cancelled speech as we had too much on the go today and couldn't have gotten all the running around done - plus I just can't afford the gas to get from Georgetown to Brampton, back to Georgetown, then to Milton and back to Georgetown. Not at 99.9cents!

So we just had a quiet morning. I took Cam to Gramma's so I could "chat" with the RC at CIP. I am not pleased with the outcome. I asked her if she liked her job and I also told her I needed to feel like she was really on board and on our team. She seemed to make excuses about not knowing Cuyler well enough yet, and when she went to play with him, he'd walk away. Fair enough.
The dealbreaker was when she said at one point that we "shouldn't expect too much from him. Don't set big goals. Then he can surprise you. It's not like he'll be a doctor or anything."
What the fuck is that??? How do you work with special needs children and have that kind of attitude??????? She needs to be telling me that he can do anything. That we should expect the world of him. I shouldn't have to tell her that.
I just do not know how I can let her work with him knowing she has that attitude. Plus she's pregnant (I just found out today), so she'll be leaving in January. I'll put a call in tomorrow and see if I can swing a new RC before his case conference on Sep 14th.

I called the speech path to cancel and had a great chat with her. She's coming to CIP to observe him next week. I am so happy about that. It's one thing to see him in a therapy room once a month for an hour. It'll be quite another to see him in a structured, social setting. She'll see him using his PECS and how successful he is with them. I really think she'll just get to know him better. The real Cuy - my Cuy. Then she'll have a better idea as to where to go for his treatment. Very excited about that!

I had a support group meeting tonight. There were 6 Moms that came. We were very chatty and there was alot of really serious discussions. Some somber. Some heated (not with each other...my RC story) . I think we've got a great group of Moms - very supportive with one another. Sometimes I feel like the big blabbermouth of the group and talk about stupid things...hopefully I'm not too annoying!

Didn't get any work done (calls made) today and I feel really bad about that. I have booked Mark 4 appointments so far and hopefully he doesn't mind me taking it slow until the boys are in school and I actually have "work hours"...
HA! I love that I may have a job! And I can stay home with my boys still! I really hope that this works!

Kelly arrives tomorrow night at 8pm!!!!
We're going to Dana and Chris's house for supper before the airport and will be meeting Michael (mums cousin) and Carol and their 3 kids there. It'll be interesting. If I remember correctly, one of their daughters was diganosed with autism when she was pretty young. I can't remember how old she is now - probably...12 or so. But I'm obviously anxious to speak with them!

And very anxious to see my sissy!!

Check out the 2 little rock stars!! Cam's playing guitar as usual and Cuyler is drumming away. We think that Cam's going to be the next Dave Grohl - he's pretty obsessed with guitars AND drums and wants to be both when he grows up (that and a goalie).

FINALLY - a good day!
It really was! Andrea brought Caleb and Brodie over this morning to play and hang out for a bit. The kids played really well...as usual, Cuy sort of played around them - not with them. It's interesting to watch. It almost seems like he wants to play with them. But he just won't. I don't even think it's that he doesn't KNOW how...he just won't. I used to say - "he wants to jump in with them, but he doesn't know how". It's something beyond him not knowing how. Some sort of invisible boundry he puts up. I'm not explaining it well.

Anyways...so we had lots of fun with the Downs boys and had some lunch with them. I'm a great host - they had french fries for lunch...just fries...and ketchup...
Afterwards, Cam and Cuyler had some down time as they each had a pretty crappy sleep last night.
While they were quiet I was able to start my new job.
It's sounds weird to say that because I feel like I'm faking working, but anyways...I'm making calls for Mark and trying to book appts for him to see Allstream customers whose accounts he supports. (Is that right?)
I feel really silly, but I think I did a pretty decent job for my first time. I booked 3 meetings for him and was able to update some of the contact info. And people who were no longer with Allstream. And people who were no longer alive.
FOR REAL!! I called a company, asked for the contact name on the spreadsheet I had...the guy is dead. Little bit embarassed about that.
Just a little.

So I it gave me a bit of insight into what a non-childcare job might be like and I think I like what I saw. Even Sean and I were able to talk business for once!!! And I understood about 40% as opposed to the 0% I usually get out of our "business chats".
So maybe this could be the start of something for me. Who knows. I'll just start with this and see where it leads. It's pretty handy tho - working from home...on my clock. It should be great when the boys are settled into their school programs in Sept. Then I can expand and do more if I need or want to.

It was a great day. The kids were happy and we had a fun little evening out at the park and on a walk.
Sean said he was proud of me for getting started and he said I did a great job. It will always feel good when someone tells me I did a great job, or that they're proud of me - no matter how old I am.
So I will be sure to always tell my boys that. All three of them!

We just watched another GREAT episode of "Six Feet Under" - man! that is a great show! I can't believe there's only 2 more episodes left and then it's DONE! I won't write about it in case anybody who reads this only gets to see it on Showcase (Haha! Sucks to be you!).


~C

The Bissell Lift Off Bagless

This is Seans new pride and joy. We for sure aren't having another baby now, because Sean got a new vacuum. Now he's complete.

He's in love with this thing - I swear! It IS a nice vacuum, but I've never seen a guy so enraptured with a household appliance. And he DOES do all the vacuuming, so I suppose he is allowed to get excited.
The Fantom Fury that we got 6 years ago as a wedding gift was just about ready to bite the dust (either that or it just needed a new fliter...). It was making some funny noises, sometimes it smelled funky and the on/off button didn't work anymore...just plug her in and she'd start up!
This new one is pretty sweet tho. It has some neat attachments and the middle part of it pops off and can be used as a portable canister vac. And it's pretty powerful too.

It's a $300 vaccuum and we paid 30 bucks! We used our RBC points and redeemed them for $275 in HBC gift cards and just paid the difference! So there is NO excuse for our carpets to ever be dirty again! (Who am I kidding!)

We had a really nice quiet Sunday. It spittled rain most of the day, so we just hung in and played with the kids and relaxed. It was nice.

I did have another breakdown today. Nobody knows about this one...I always tell Sean about them, but I didn't. He'll just read about this one.
I was at WalMart and I was in the checkout line behind 2 women. One of which was mentally disabled. The other woman was either a relative or a care provider (both?)...and it hit me like a ton of bricks that Cuyer will be a grown man one day. I thought about him needing assistance to go buy underpants at WalMart when he's 30...or helping him count his change for coffee and all these other things. I quickly walked to the van and started crying. I know Sean will tell me I'm crazy and that Cuyler will be just fine. But I really don't KNOW that. I am very hopeful and optimistic that he will do fine, but with autsim we just don't know...he could be indistinguishable from his peers or he may be lower functioning. He's so young right now...who knows. Nobody can predict.
But I can tell you how scared shitless I was this afternoon sitting in my van thinking about the task ahead of us. And I wonder when the little things in life will STOP tipping me off into tears. Or make me anxious or worried or scared.

I'll leave with that tonight. I'm logging off now - gotta hang with my honey and spend some time OFF the computer...and off ebay! I have spend 43 dollars this weekend...but here's what I got:

~the Juicy dress (it DID work out afterall! thank God - i loved the dress!)
~a charm for my bracelet
~an autism awareness magnet for the van
~an oral motor chew tube for Cuy

I still have 2 sensory toys on watch...so hopefully Sean gives me the go-ahead...but I probably shouldn't...money's tight...but I want to...but I know I shouldn't....

Damn!! I've got me some gorgeous kids! As always - I couldn't decide which pictures to add so I added all my faves from today. Cam got a handsome haircut, and the 2 of Cuy...well...look at him!
We walked dowon to Main street this morning because Cam had an appointment for a haircut, plus the Farmers Market is on on Saturdays still, so the street is closed and it's a nice time to go.
The weather was good for a morning outside as well.

When Cam got into the chair for his haircut, he was asked "So, what are we doing today?"
Cam replied "Make me like Green Day"...I guess the guy wasn't into rock as he looked at me like "huh?" I said "It's a rock band. Just clean him up and leave some red."
So he got a sweet lookin haircut, and they guy even gelled him a mohawk that was pretty awesome lookin' until he put his bike helmet on and crushed it.

Cuy did great until Sean took him into the Freckled Lion, which is a kids bookstore. His big mistake was taking him in, with NO intention of buying him the Thomas book that he KNEW would find Cuyler...so we ended up walking halfway home with him screaming in his stroller, screaming in my arms or screaming on Seans shoulders. But we made it home and all was well. The pictures below show what kind of afternoon we had. Lot's of fun!!
Those outbursts and tantrums are happening less and less, thank God...there was a time when that's just how he was. Miserable and loud and difficult.
We weren't suppsed to call him that...difficult...or high need. We were supposed to refer to him as "spirited". It's a nice way of saying "difficult and high need"
Looking back, it WAS difficult caring for his high needs.
NOW - he's spirited!
Today was my best day all week, I think. My hormones must have calmed a bit. I think I cried every day last week for one reason or another...or no reason at all.

I think I am going to call the supervisor I interviewed with and tell her to take me out of consideration (as if they haven't already!). I have really been thinking about it ALOT since the interview and I don't want the job. I really don't. I have to agree with them and admit that, emotionally, I am not ready for a job like that and I'm not sure I will be - or will want to be, for that matter. I think I will need something in my life that has nothing to do with kids...especially special needs. That will be the best thing for me. I think.
We'll see.

We had a really great day. Did I convey that already? After dinner we played outside for awhile and just hung out in the backyard. We played baseball and football. We sat on top of the hill and sang songs with Cuyler, while Cam ran his arse off going up and down the hill over and over again. It was just one of those times where nothing much was going on, except us being together and hanging out and playing with our boys. And I just felt good. Content...

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed! They did this for ages this afternoon! Spent forever in Cuylers room playing and bouncing and crashing into each other, and bouncing and bouncing and bouncing! So nice that Cuyler can share his most favourite thing (bouncing) with his big brother!

I think I blew the interview. And I think I don't care.
The interview was basically me having to give examples. Of my perception, my communication, my education...I had to think of specific examples. It was tough.
I'm not sure this field is for me anymore. They think my "grief is still fresh".
They asked if working in the field at this point in my life (aka = while the grief is still fresh) would be a good or bad thing. I was honest and said it could go either way.
You'd think I'd have had more composure, but nope...I cried when they asked what my goals were for "me".
I had not a clue what to say. I don't think about myself when I think of goals. I think of my family and my kids...but not me. We've been doing ALOT of talking about goals lately. ALL for Cuyler. Some for Cam - but never for me. And I'm totally fine with that. I really am. I do live for my kids, I've wanted nothing more my entire life than to be a Mom. But I do need something for me. Just something small. Away from kids.

After the interview from hell, I asked to speak to the supervisor "as a parent". She was very willing to hear everything I had to say and was comforting and just said that I should be direct and speak with the RC face to face. So I will next week at CIP. Everything will be brought to the surface, hashed out and hopefully start on a new foot.

Cam's at Nana's tonight for a sleepover. He decided at dinner time that he was only "going to cry a little wee bit tonight" when he called us (he cries to come home as he's falling asleep).
We had sushi for dinner and Cuy went down early. It was a nice night. We watched Lost In Translation.............b.....o....r....i....n....g!! Bill Murray was great in it - but cripes - it went on a and on and on and on.....

Before I go, Kirkland is doing better so if you read this - keep thinking positive thoughts and sending your prayers his way!! They're working!
http://www2.caringbridge.org/canada/kirklandk/


~C

I couldn't decide which picture to post. They're both so cute. The one with Sean reading was from last night. The one of Cuy sleeping was just taken a few minutes ago. I have a "thing" with taking pictures of them sleeping.

Anyways...today was no better than yesterday. Maybe worse.

First off I got screwed on the auction...dammit. I go to pay thru paypal and she denies payment saying she doesn't have a paypal acct on that address (which is her first error - she says in the listing "PayPal accepted"). So she asks me to send it to another email address AND asks me to add 2.9% to cover he credit card fee. That is not allowed on ebay - so I reported her and now I will probably get a negative feedback rating from her. Dammit - I really loved that dress too. I should have known better. Her rating was only 3 and she had only sold tanning stickers before. Lesson learned.

And I had another one of my breakdowns today. This time at CIP. I was watching him and I really see his autism there. Maybe it's b/c the other kids have autism as well and they all do the same things, play the same way with the same toys. I dont know if that's even it.
Same as yesterday. I think I am going to either have to hash it out with the RC or her supervisor over my feelings. I just don't feel like she's on board. I can't even pinpoint it. But something's not sitting right with me. When the girls from CIP come out to talk to us after their sessions - they are so positive and so ... I dunno ... encouraging. Like they're really happy to be with our kids and that they enjoyed the time with our kids. I think I just want to feel like people are going above and beyond what we need and want them to do. This is my baby we're talking about - you better freakin believe I'm demanding the best out of his team. I'm at the point where I don't care if I come off as a bitch. I'm fighting for my boy here. And if I can't demand that my expectations be met when he's in preschool, then God help me when he gets into the school board.

And it is not going to make it any easier that I actually have an interview with the suprvisor tomorrow at 9am for the part time TA position. So I figure I'll interview first, then ask f I may have a few words with her "as a parent" before I head home. That way if I need to cry (which I'm sure I will) I can without ruining my composure before I impress her for the job.

I told Cam I had an interview for a job. The poor little love started sobbing with his head in his pillow. "I don't want you to be a worker! I want you to stay as my Mommy!"
I had to explain that I will still "stay his Mommy" and he won't even know I have a job because he'll be in kindergarten when I work. I told him I'd still drop him off and pick him up and when we wasn't in school - he'd be with me - just like always. He didn't buy it. But it's true.
Broke my heart. I don't know how working Moms do it everyday. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to get up, showered, make up and out the door by 8:30 tomorrow. Even Sean doesn't think I can do it.

Better hit the hay early if I'm going to do it!

Today was a pretty frustrating day for me.
Not quite sure why but I was just pissed off that Cuyler is autistic. Pissed off because we have to do so much crap that I don't want to do (today, anyways) and that most of my friends don't have to do.
I just didn't want to deal with anything that had to do with his special needs today.
I was annoyed with speech a) because they only see him once a month b) because she made me second guess what we were doing at CIP (even tho I was questioning it myself) and c) I just don't get the vibe from them that we are important or a priority. I know it must be difficult to make everyone on a caseload a priority - but frig! We have been dicked around by Erinoak enough already that I expected a little bit of ass kissing.
And for some reason I'm getting that same vibe from his RC. Can't quite pinpont it - but she and I were conflicted when I did work in the field so maybe it's lingering. Oh the irony! I just want to feel like he is getting the absolute BEST from every person who works with him. And I don't feel that. And it infuriates me. But how do I demand the best from them, without becoming one of THOSE parents? Or do I just say "screw it!" and become one one of THOSE parents?
And all the goddam phone calls I'm getting. I feel like I can't keep anyone straight, getting calls from the Halton Region, Community Living, Subsidy, Halton Support Services. And the people who are working with him or WILL be working with him I can't keep straight who is from where and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed again.
I think because at CIP there are so many people on the team and I'm just not able to process so many things and people at once.

And we are transitioning from Parent Infant Program to Community Living (integration) and I don't want to! PIP takes such good care of us and I know they care about Cuyler and the rest of us (me, Sean and Cam). I know that they give us 110% and I really feel like they want to make a difference. I don't feel that yet from CLNH.
I don't want to change. Change scares me.

I just feel sick when I think about Cuyler not getting the best. Maybe I'll pull him if after awhile these feelings I have remain.
Maybe I am depending too much on a team to help him grow and develop. Maybe I can do it all myself. Do Floortime with him a few hours a day. Go to play groups for social interactions...
I know that's totally unrealsitic, but nobody wants to do more for him that I do. I just wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with anything anyone does for him (although I am thrilled with what PIP has done for us).

I think I already AM one of THOSE parents.

Although I think I am just more insane than anything. That's how I feel right now.

I'll end happy - Sean recognized my frustration today and took us to McD's for dinner so we wouldn't have to cook or clean. The boys had a blast running around the playland.
Cuyler kept saying "Caam! Wheeeey ahhhh oooo?"
And we would hear Cam say to a kid he was playing with "Oh! I gotta go down the slide, my brothers calling me!"
It was so great!!

OH! and I DID bid on the Juicy Couture smocked dress

AND WON!

Well...Cuyler was thrilled to be at his swimming lessons, as the photo so aptly depicts! Or not...
That picture says it all..."Get me outta here NOW". That's what he really wanted to say. Instead he did better. He said "All done. Towel." So we obliged and he finished early - again. But he's IN the water, which is all I care about.

Cam on the other hand. Well his picture says it all too. He's a fish. And he's becoming more confident and skilled in the water. I am SO glad of that. I personally think that swimming should be a life skill. Even if my kids don't love swimming...I want them to know how. At the very least - I don't want them to be afraid. Cam's good so far...Cuyler's getting there.

I am so tremendously impressed with Cuyler's ability to communicate lately. For example, this afternoon he asked for "Arthur!" I hand him the Artur dvd. He pushes it away and says "Noo!"
Then he makes this weird nasally noise "Weewus!"
HUH!?!
"Arthur! Weewus!"....I say "Mommy doesn't understand..."
He looks at me and shouts "SNOW!"
He wanted to watch the Artur Christmas dvd. Bless his heart - he figured out a way to tell me. There is snow on the dvd cover. I think that some people will understand how important these verbal exchanges are. I cannot describe what it feels like to have this boy speaking words to me that have meaning behind them.
Sure he does tons of babbling and he still does alot of imitating and alot of what he says still is not functional language - but it IS coming. It really is!!!!!!

Then there's Cam.
We were walking out of the community centre after swimming tonight and Sean was talking to Cuy about the kids playing soccer in the field beside the parking lot. Cam and I were walking behind them and he says "Why does daddy keep telling Cuyer 'fucker'?"
"Uhhh...no honey, he's saying 'soccer'."
"Ok...that's good - because fucker's a bad word"
yes it is

I just got a watchnotice from ebay. My Juicy smocked top is ending in 5 hours. I want it but cannot afford it. Dang.

Which brings me to my last bit of today. I have an interview Friday morning with Community Living for a part time TA position. I feel pretty conifdent about the position - but last time I felt that way I BOMBED the interview.
And now I don't even know what I want. I applied for a evening/weekend job at Northern Getaway - which I don't really want, but that would probably give me the most money and keep me home with the kids when they're home. Then there's the TA job...do I really want to continue in this field? Then there's the Ormac thing. That is totally away from anything I've ever done and very part time to start.
So I go from no job to 3 potentials. Could I do the TA and Ormac both, and manage ok? And Sean's been at hockey last night and tonight and I feel like I haven't been able to bounce anything off of him - and I need to! BADLY.

Anyways...Big Brothers on...damn that Howie for screwing up the nominations!

Hmmm...I haven't posted in a few days...mustn't be much to talk about.
Which is a good thing...or not...
We had a pretty good weekend. Didn't do much of anything or go anywhere. Just lazed around the house.

I did get sucked back onto ebay though. It had been awhile since I'd gone on. Once I go on...I can't get off. It's like being in the most convenient shopping centre in the world and you don't have to get off your duff. They have everything you could imagine to look for. Good stuff....crappy stuff...just type it in and it's there.
I go to look for some sensory toys for Cuyler and end up with a page of vibrators.
...I did type in "vibrating toy" though.
And I wanted to look for those water wiggler toys. I remember them from when I was little. They would always pop and it looks like your giving a handjob when you hold it. But it's a good sensory toy. I found the perfect one for Cuyler - a Wiggles Water Wiggler!!! I can "Buy It Now!" for 2 bucks or wait for the end of auction and bid 50 cents for it. I asked about shipping...EIGHT DOLLARS U.S. to ship it. No way. So...no water wiggler for Cuy. Not this one anyways.
I did get a chew tube for him. The speech & occupational therapist both recommend he have one for his need for oral stim. I found one for 6.50 + 1.00 shipping - which worked out to 9.50CDN. Still cheaper than in the catalogues. They're about 12 bucks.
I still have 5 items on watch. 4 are sensory toys for Cuy, 1 is a Juicy smocked top for me.
...pleeeease Sean?!?!

We got into a bad habit of letting Cam watch tv in our bed at his bedtime. That led to him being up and down the stairs bugging us for drinks and snacks and stalling going to sleep until 10 or so. I am so not okay with that! I feel bad for him...his nose is just so out of joint I think. Everybody that comes, comes for Cuyler. We usually go places - for Cuyler. So we were trying to appease him by letting him stay up later and watch Treehouse, when in actual fact - he really just wants those 5 or 10 minutes of US just snuggling in his bed with him reading. So he got to watch 1 show, from 7:30-8 then straight into bed for a story and a snuggle. He was fast asleep by 8:20.
I am craving the routine and schedule of the school year, however - I have NO freakin idea how I'm going to be organized enough to get them both out the door by 9. I will have to pack Cam backpack and prep Cuys food the night before I guess (as we will need to provide his gfcf food). Plus if I'm working - throw me into the mix of having to get ready and put a face on before stepping out. I don't know how working Mums do it.

Yikes...I just watched Six Feet Under - very emotional episode tonight. I was supposed to wait for Sean to get back from hockey and watch it with him at 10. But I couldn't wait...

I'm gonna go check out ebay before heading to bed...

Ahhh! FINALLY!
I was going to post about the birthday party that the Downs' threw for 2 weeks back, but I wanted to post pics with it!
This is me with my boys: Caleb (yellow shirt), Cam (green shirt), Brodie (my God baby, white shirt) and Cuy (red stripes).
We had a yummy chicken bake, with salad and Allisons corn. You can see what dessert was - kudos to Peter for the cake...wow was it good! (that kinda makes it sound like he made it...he didn't...he CHOSE it - good choice Peter!!!)

The kids played really well together and didn't eat much dinner - but all had cake of course. Even Cuy (we brought some of the leftover gfcf banana cake my Mum made for my birthday).
After dinner we (meaning Andrea, her Mum and myself) took the kids to the park. Cuy sat in the swing the whole time in a daze. He was so tired the swing just mesmerized him into a zone. The other 3 were running and pedalling their asses off. 3 boys, two bikes, 2 helmets. Amazingly enough, they did not fight over the bikes (that much) and were all very willing to share.

I did get a bit of a pang that Cuy wasn't in the fray with them, but I suppose part of me will always feel that way when we are with these guys. Cuyler is 2 weeks and 2 days older than Brodie and it is a huge reminder of his delays. Mind you Brodie is pretty far ahead of most 2.5 yr olds...
Anyways it was a wonderful evening and I thank them for giving me such a special night! We are so lucky to have you guys!

~C

Sean has gone to Taste of the Danforth tonight, so Cam and I decided we would do sushi.
We spent the day afternoon in Burlington at Corrine's house hanging with her and Joshua. The kids had alot of fun. As usual Cam played with Josh and Cuy did his own thing.

I wanted to go to the ASO office (Autsim Society of Ontario) because the Halton branch is in Burlington, but I got annoyed and turned around. I am sure that I can find a closer one in Peel (Brampton or Mississauga). I want to get another bracelet and a car magnet.
Is that weird that I want them? Is it like advertising that we are affected by autism?
I met a girl who has 4 year old twins, both with PDD and she just got a permit to park in handicapped parking (is that the PC way to say that?). She said that people questioned her on that, but I totally don't blame her - 2 kids, both with PDD (part of the spetrum)...that's a safety issue! I actually have thought about that, but since Cuyler still refuses to freakin walk anywhere - we don't have that issue.
I also found out that we get discounted and often free admission into most family attractions (Zoo, Ontario Place, Marineland, movies, CNE, Wonderland...) because Cuyler has special needs. Too bad I didn't find that put BEFORE I used my airmiles for the Zoo passes...

So another thing I did today that I could not have done last year (getting back to the sushi...) I called ahead and ordered the sushi for pick up. Got Cuyler into his jammies and took them with me. I brought them both into the restaurant and he did so great while we were waiting. Flirting, laughing, jumping, singing...who IS this kid?? Last year he would have FREAKED walking in the doors. I was a bit nervous bringing him in. I think because I always had to brace myself no matter what we did before. He would seem to have a meltdown all the time over anything. That's just not happening anymore. Funny how the little things mean so much. It was wonderful for me to pick up a take-out dinner and not have a screaming, flailing child. Those 5 minutes were the highlight of my day. That and sitting down to a yummy dinner with Cam after Cuyler went to bed.
God...I wonder what this journal would have looked like if written a year ago. very VERY different...that's for sure...
Life is good...I just wish Sean were here to hang with me on the porch tonight. It's gorgeous outside.

~C

This is what a full day of therapy looks like at 4pm. Poor little Cuy...

We had Irene come and do a couple hours of Floortime with him this morning, then we had to scoot right out to CIP right after. He's usually pretty bagged after CIP, but today he crashed soon after we left the parking lot.

He's doing great with Floortime and impressed Irene once again. This time with 2 word combo's!! It's coming!!

Last night Robin took me to a Mom's Night Out with other Mom's of children with autism. What a great night it was. I met so many different women with different stories. As with any group of special needs parents - there were SOO many differences among our children but all with one common thread.
There were probably 20 give or take a few, but a really large group and it was hosted by a woman who ironically enough works at Allstream (Sean works there). There was alot of info sharing. Sometimes too much. It's nice to share stories and it's also more important for each of our choices as parents to be respected. There was a bit of pushing of info going on. I can't stand those people who just know more than everyone. The people who talk just to be right.
Don't tell me to read a book about how vaccines caused his autism when I know it didn't. Don't tell me that I need to move onto the next step in the diet. Don't tell me to get his hair tested for metal toxicity. Don't tell me that spending 5000 a month on therapy is fine "because it's just money"...and make me feel like I'm not doing enough for my son because we're poor. Don't tell me it's fine to lose my house as long as my kid is "recovered". Jesus - if that were our goal, I'd go insane (or am I already?...). I won't do that to him or our family. Our goal is to make him the best he can be. To reach all the potential he has in him. And we think that we have found a way to do that that will work for us and for him and keep our family solid.
Like I said - this is my diary...MY personal thoughts...but let's just respect each other and the choices we make, because no matter what we choose, no matter what method of therapy, what diets we choose, what dr's we see - we are all trying to do the best by our children. I really think that info sharing is a wonderful thing. Networking with other parents is key, but it has to be done respectfully.
There is no way in hell I would even consider losing my house to treat Cuylers autism. Call me selfish, but I also have a 4 year old who needs the security of his home. We need to give Cam as much as we give Cuy. If our family unit as a whole is strong, that will only benefit Cuyler.
It is too bad that it does come down to money, but that's life...what doesn't??

Anyways...enough of my tangent on that...it really was a great night and I hope to see SOME of these women again. I'm grateful I met them.

I made an appt with the naturopath to discuss Cuyler's supplements. Right now he is on DHA/EPA, a probiotic, and a cal/mag with D3. I'll be asking about digestive enzymes and protein supplements to add. AND I am very excited!!! She found a B12 transdermal cream! I have been thinking about the B12 being the next thing we look at, but up til now it was only available through a shot in the bum. But if she can give me it in a cream form, that would be worth trying...although I'm not sure how new this is and/or how researched it is. But the B12 gets some really amazing results. If I'm not comfortable with the info I get on the transdermal...I may just go for the shots...10 bucks a hit, once every 2 to 3 weeks. Gotta try it, right??? Hopefully firm up those poops - which btw - the last nightime dump he had was a doozy (and an "oozy" - blech!)! And of course it was Sean's night to change him...quelle desastre!


AAAnnndreeeea! If you want me to write about my party - send me the pics first!!!! haHA!


~Christine

Well...I am PMS'ing for sure and I married the right guy for sure. About an hour ago I told him I wanted an After Eight chocolate bar AND a pack of Skittles. And he went and got them for me. The bar has been eaten and the Skittles are being consumed as I type this. Yum!

We had a great long weekend. I got to sleep in and this morning Cam served me a large Tim Hortons double double coffee in bed. I am a lucky lady!
We spent yesterday at Darby and Tara's for their pool party. I cannot believe how well Cam can swim. He's a swimmer now! Jumping off the diving board into the deep end (life jacket on of course). And he loves just wearing water wings. I am so glad that he's comfortable in the water.
Cuyler on the other hand...well, he was happy to sit inside and watch a Wiggles video. We wondered if that's why he didnt take his swimming lesson last week. We tried him in their pool last week and he wasn't into it..."Noooo...all done!"
The closest we got to getting him in today was having him throw things in the pool. Kept him laughing for a long time...and he was using lots of language!! So it was a positive experience this weekend. Hopefully he doesn't refuse his lessons tomorrow.

It was really nice to be out with our friends. I quite enjoyed the comments we got from people telling us the difference they saw in Cuy. Darby especially was pretty impressed with how many changes he'd seen in him in such a short amount of time. I was thrilled with Cuyler's response and reactions to everyone. Lot's of eye contact and he was much less resistant to people touching him or being in his space.
He even let Tara carry him down the stairs...a 7 month pregnant Tara carrying a near 40 pound Cuyler...bless her heart!
Again - I felt like we were a normal family doing normal things...with other normal people.

We also went to visit Sean's cousin Trevor, his wife Lorraine and their 2 week old Colin. I held him. Cam held him. Cuyler fleetingly glanced at him.
I even had the baby on my lap, Cam on my right side and Cuyler on my left. And it felt gooooooood!
I could sooo have another. I could totally handle it. But I know I totally couldn't.
I would be the mother who people shake their head at and say "Why would she have another???" "She is way over her head."
The thought of another baby is all very romantic and a very nice idea. But probably a really shitty reality (for us). The more new Moms I see, the more I realize how mentally fucked up I get after I have a baby. Either I get really messed up or they are really great at hiding it.
But Sean still can't get snipped. Sorry babe.

Well...I'm at the end of my Skittles and I'm gonna sign off now!

~C