Well so far so good today. I think I can blog without using the F word.
This mornings routine went MUCH better. Although I was more prepared - clothes laid out and lunches mostly done.
Plus he had a great sleep last night.

As did I. After I blogged last night, I couldn't stand to hear Eva screaming any longer so I left. Went for a drive for about an hour. Went and got a tea from the drive thru and had a really good cry.

I think the reason I had dfficult time coping yesterday was because I'm having a hard time dealing with his birthday this year.
The 5 year mark is a big thing for me.
When he was 2.5 and I looked ahead to 5 - I had SOOOO much optimism. I felt like I had so much time and was confident that by 5 he would be fine. I was motivated. I was confident. I felt capable.
And lately I am not feeling very much of any of those things.

Maybe we're in a family funk. Seans not as motivated. I'm not.
Maybe because Eva isn't on a schedule yet, so alot of our day is spent up in the air not knowing when she'll sleep, when she'll wake up...
This time last year I was certain we'd be on track. By 10months old the baby would be on a schedule - the boys were at this age - and I could get my RDI time in with him. But my days are so mixed up from one to the other that I can't plan anything.

So today I will only do what I can.
I will use yesterday as a chance to start fresh. I don't want days like that anymore. I know they will happen. But I hope that I cope with them better.

I just have to get through this birthday without losing it.

Good days and bad...
Today was bad.
Fucking awful...
It started around 4am. That was when Cuyler woke up and proceeded to climb into bed with Cam and start singing. Not quietly.
It was around that time Eva woke up to eat. Because she is still not sleeping through the night. And her bedtime is around midnight.
So Cuy is up at 4am. For the second or third night in a row. It's all a blur.
Sean takes him back to bed and he eventually falls back alseep.
7:30 Sean bring Eva into me. I nurse her. Give her back to Sean and hop in the shower.
Sean changes her and gets breakfast. Eva is CRANKY and doesn't want down.
Cuyler is still sleeping.
Sean goes to work.
I start lunches.
Cuyler still sleeping.
Cam gets dressed. I dress Eva. I finish lunches.
Cuyler still sleeping. It's 8:20. We leave at 8:55.
I finally wake him up. Get him down and he refuses the waffle Sean made him.
"I want new waffle! Mommy make new waffle!"
Fine I'll make you a new waffle.
"SAUSAGES! I WANT SAUSAGES AND WAFFLE!!"
...fine I'll make some fucking sausages.
He eats the sausages. But tosses the new waffle into the trash with the other one.
All the while, Cam watches Eva for me so I can dry my hair a little bit. He's such a good boy...and we crap on him all the time...
Anyways...Cuyler is refusing to get dressed. Freaking out. Screaming.
I call Sean mom. She comes to take Cam to school and I keep Cuy home.
I put ALL of his trains away. He'd stim on them all day if I let him. If he's not going to school, he's going to engage with me.
Well...he would if he wasn't so spaced out. Miserable. Stimmy. Side gazing. The whole bit.
He's been self limiting in his diet (french fries and sausages) thus not getting any of his supplements.
Did I mention that Eva is miserable as well. Teething maybe?
Tired maybe? With a 12am bedtime everynight I'd be too...

So we plug through the day. I'm not quite sure how because all I wanted to do all day was SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEM and rip my hair out.

At 3:30 I had to literally drag him to pick Cam up from school. So much so that another mom had to push Eva's stroller across the road for me so I could carry him. He hasn't put on a show like that in well over a year.
Dinner was fun. He refused to eat what I made and screamed to play Thomas on the computer.
And tonight was the night that Sean came home late.

So here it is 10:07pm. Eva is crying in her crib because neither Sean nor I want to hang out with her until midnight. I don't know what his problem is - I have her all day (did I mention she rarely naps?).
Cuyler is awake in his room stimming on his trains I'm sure.
And I just got an email from Allergygrocer.com saying that my shipping bill has been recalculated and I have to choose the $38 or the $45 dollar method. I cancelled it and will never order from them again. I put the order in NINE days ago and they sent me the new shipping bill today. I needed the cake mix for Saturday for Cuylers 5th birthday party.
Which is totally depressing me. He'll be 5. And nowhere near where I thought he'd be.
How did we get him diagnosed so young and he's still where he is? Why is he not better? Talking better? Understanding better? Coping better?
What haven't I done? What have I missed?
Today I told Sean "Fuck it. I'm done. I've done nothing but work my ass off to get this kid better and I'm still having days where I want to run as far away from him as I can."
Why am I working so hard? For what? Why am I trying to change who he is?
It's not like my life or his life is getting easier.

And Eva. The only support group I have is one where all the families are in the US and the dr's there actually TREAT the hemangioma's. Remove them. Laser them.
And here...we just "Wait and see" what it does. So I go online and see babes who are getting treatment and having surgery and their hemangioma's are gone by the time they're a year old. Eva's might be gone when she's 4. And that's not taking into account all the plastic surgery she'll have to have from the ulcers and the scarring they left.

Fuck I hate my life right now.
I just wish my kids were fine. Normal.

Not screaming they're lungs out in their crib right now...