Today was a pretty frustrating day for me.
Not quite sure why but I was just pissed off that Cuyler is autistic. Pissed off because we have to do so much crap that I don't want to do (today, anyways) and that most of my friends don't have to do.
I just didn't want to deal with anything that had to do with his special needs today.
I was annoyed with speech a) because they only see him once a month b) because she made me second guess what we were doing at CIP (even tho I was questioning it myself) and c) I just don't get the vibe from them that we are important or a priority. I know it must be difficult to make everyone on a caseload a priority - but frig! We have been dicked around by Erinoak enough already that I expected a little bit of ass kissing.
And for some reason I'm getting that same vibe from his RC. Can't quite pinpont it - but she and I were conflicted when I did work in the field so maybe it's lingering. Oh the irony! I just want to feel like he is getting the absolute BEST from every person who works with him. And I don't feel that. And it infuriates me. But how do I demand the best from them, without becoming one of THOSE parents? Or do I just say "screw it!" and become one one of THOSE parents?
And all the goddam phone calls I'm getting. I feel like I can't keep anyone straight, getting calls from the Halton Region, Community Living, Subsidy, Halton Support Services. And the people who are working with him or WILL be working with him I can't keep straight who is from where and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed again.
I think because at CIP there are so many people on the team and I'm just not able to process so many things and people at once.

And we are transitioning from Parent Infant Program to Community Living (integration) and I don't want to! PIP takes such good care of us and I know they care about Cuyler and the rest of us (me, Sean and Cam). I know that they give us 110% and I really feel like they want to make a difference. I don't feel that yet from CLNH.
I don't want to change. Change scares me.

I just feel sick when I think about Cuyler not getting the best. Maybe I'll pull him if after awhile these feelings I have remain.
Maybe I am depending too much on a team to help him grow and develop. Maybe I can do it all myself. Do Floortime with him a few hours a day. Go to play groups for social interactions...
I know that's totally unrealsitic, but nobody wants to do more for him that I do. I just wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with anything anyone does for him (although I am thrilled with what PIP has done for us).

I think I already AM one of THOSE parents.

Although I think I am just more insane than anything. That's how I feel right now.

I'll end happy - Sean recognized my frustration today and took us to McD's for dinner so we wouldn't have to cook or clean. The boys had a blast running around the playland.
Cuyler kept saying "Caam! Wheeeey ahhhh oooo?"
And we would hear Cam say to a kid he was playing with "Oh! I gotta go down the slide, my brothers calling me!"
It was so great!!

OH! and I DID bid on the Juicy Couture smocked dress

AND WON!