I can't remember when I let so much time pass between entries.
Much has happened. Summer began and is almost over.
Cuyler started camp (to his delight).
Lost a tooth (to his terror. really. terror)
We moved to a new home.
Big changes for The Colemans.
We had my sister and her family here for 6 weeks. Her little one is 6 days older than Eva. It was amazing to see them together. The played with each other, not just near each other. Marley talks up a storm and I think that got Eva going. In the past week she's talking a ton and putting 2 and 3 words together.

I don't know if it's the move that's got my nose out of joint but I'm back in a funk.
I just feel a sense of dread with Cuyler.
WHY ISN'T HE BETTER??!?!?!
When will I have the "A-Ha!" moment when I feel that he'll be "fine"????
When he was dx'd at 2.5 I felt like we got it early enough to fully remediate him. Now he's nearing 6 and we are so far from where I had hoped/thought we would be.
Little things keep happening that remind me that our life is like none of our friends.
My best friend emailed me that she's not ready for her boy to go into grade one. And it made me well up because her boy is 2 weeks younger than my boy. And my boy is staying in kindergarten.
Best decision for Cuyler. But still hurts my heart a bit.
I thought that I had gotten past all the shit emotions that go along with parenting a special needs child. All the grief. The anger. The sadness. The fear. The guilt. The confusion. The exhaustion.
But it's all still there. Just festering under the surface waiting to emerg when I least expect it.
I don't think a day has gone by where autism isn't a part of it. With HANDLE and RDI...it's impossible. And if there is a day where I don't do either...the guilt I feel is tremendous.

Lately I feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day. Living the same day over and over again. Raising a 2 yr old forever. Same tantrums everyday. Same stims everyday. Same scripts everyday. Same conversations everyday.
Most people raise their kids and with each age and stage comes new and different challenges. My challenges have remained the same for 3yrs.

I feel like I didn't take full advantage of the summer to prepare him for his second year of kindergarten. I really thought I'd spend the summer - guns a blazin! - with RDI and HANDLE...working on printing...and I feel like we're no further ahead.

When his tooth was loose there was one night he spent 1 hour and 15 minutes sitting on his bed wiggling it. It consumed him.
When it fell out - he was screaming. Trembling. Didn't know what was happening even though we tried to prepare him. He just didn't understand what was happening. And for someone with as many sesnory issues as he has - him losing his tooth is comparable to your arm just falling off your body.
And don't even mention the tooth fairy!
So, what should be an exciting right of passage...a major milestone in a little boys life turned out to be nothing short of horrifying for him. We had to bring him into our bed and have him lie with us til nearly midnight for him to calm down.

There were a couple of little girls trying to play with him today. Asking his name and wanting to play with him. He basically ignored them. But they still invited him to play in their backyard where he found their swings. So there he sat, ignoring his new "friends". On our old street everyone knew Cuyler and he fit in in his own way. There was a webb and flow to how the kids played in the old neighbourhood. Cuyler had his role within the group of kids and the other kids would make exceptions for Cuyler in their games. They knew he didn't understand or know how to play but they included him no matter what. I'm afraid the new kids will not like him or think he's mean or weird.

Lately it feel like autism gets more difficult to deal with as he gets older. I really thought it was tough when he was little. But this sucks.

It really fucking sucks.