If you're from Babycenter, you'll read this twice!

I've decided to start looking for work now that Cuyler is in a program and Cam is in junior kindergarten.
Sean, of course, wants me to find something full time for more money, but I'd like a nice balance of work and staying at home.
Cuyler's daycare has approached me about working there. She said the position is in the infant room starting January.
Rotating shifts 8:15-4:45 and 9:30-6

I kinda get the feeling that they really want me. She approached me in September about another position that I was not interested in.
She knows the hours that would work for my family and said she was really going to try and figure out a condensed shift for me (9:30-3:30).
So I am going to strongly consider it.

Another job I have applied for and think is pretty much in the bag is a morning position at a new fitness centre opening up. It is from 9-12 and I can bring Cam with me, plus I'd get a free membership. The only thing is they pay shit and it is childminding. Meaning they are not licensed and don't have ratios to follow or anything like that.

With my background, training and experience I'm kind of insulted at what they offered as far as wages. But they could hire any student off the street for the position, so I don't blame them.

Cuylers centre would pay $4.50 more an hour than the fitness centre. Plus a quarterly bonus from the gov't working out to about $350. Plus benefits.

Anyhoo - my dilemma is this:
WHAT DO I DO????

I am so afraid of the change it would be in our lifestyle if I take the full time job. The boys are used to me being home. We eat dinner at 5:30 everynight.
They are never rushed out in the morning. They both wake up around 7:30 every morning.
I want to be the one who takes Cam to school and kisses him every morning. I want to be the one who picks him up and whose face he see's smiling at the gate after school.
Cam would have to go to the juniorK program at the daycare on the days he's not in school. That's fine - he'd enjoy that.
But could Cuyler handle a full day?
Could I?

I am terrified to go back to work. I don't think I'd be bad at the job. I'm damn good at what I did. I have no doubt I'd be better now, now that I'm a parent and have that new perspective that I didn't before.

I'm afraid of changing their world so drastically. Would it change the dynamic of our family?
I'm afraid of not being a SAHM. I like my job alot. I love our lifestyle...not rushed, not overscheduled.

But I'm also afraid of not taking the opportunity...if only she could call me and tell me she figured out a shift for me where I could work 9:30 - 3:30 every day. I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

I'm kind of excited to get a paycheck...I haven't had one since 2001. I'm kind of excited to wake up and have that purpose of needing to be somewhere.
But I'm terrfied at the same time.

We had a super busy weekend.
It was a good-busy. Cam had a birthday party Saturday morning for a classmate. We dropped him off and we took Cuyler shopping.
He was so good! It was really nice just having some time out and about with Cuy.
We picked Cam up, came home and went tobogganing in the backyard.
I was really unsure whether or not Cuyler would go down the hill. Sean brought the tube halfway up the hill and sent him down - and he loved it! We tried him from the top and he enjoyed it even more, giving us that deep-down from his belly laugh.
He took turns going down with Cam, Olivia (neighbour), me and by himself. The only thing was it was really difficult for him to get up the hill with all the snow, so we ended up having to carry him. No easy task with us and him dressed in our winter gear and the hill deep with snow.



We came in, had some hot chocolate and then headed to my best friend, Andrea and Pete's house for my Godbaby, Brodie's birthday party. He turns 3 tomorrow! We went over for a chinese dinner and the kids had a blast together. Brodie's big brother, Caleb is 9 days younger than Cam - so it's always a great time when the kids all get together.
There was another couple there (Brodie's Godfather, John and his wife Lisa) and Lisa was asking Sean about Cuylers diet and if he had any allergies. When he told her he's on it as one intervention for his autism, she sounded shocked "He's autistic??"
"Uhh...ya. You didn't know?" (we had been there a hour or 2 by that time)
"No...I never would have known."
I was half listening across the room. Rarely does Sean speak outwardly about Cuy's autism (mainly because I'm the talker of the 2 of us). It was really cool for me to see him in that type of conversation and me have no part of it.
It was also pretty neat to get that feedback about Cuy from someone who had no idea about his autism before walking in. Sean told her that his most obvious/outward sign is his language delay.
As his mom, I see all the other signs. Where he lacks socially when all 4 boys are together. Where he lacks cognitively when he plays inappropriately with toys.
But just hearing Lisa say that she never would have known there was anything different about him made me realize that I need to look at him through different eyes.


Today was fun too! We went tobogganing again. This time Sean wasn't home so it was only me carrying him up the hill about 20 times. My back is aching this evening.
After that we stopped by our friends Tara and Darby, who have 3 boys (I'm so jealous!) Jake, Matthew and baby Kevin. The kids had fun and by the time we got home they were ready to crash. After dinner Cuy was so tired that he refused to eat the ice cream cone Sean gave him, but also refused to let go of it. So Sean gave him a popsicle (anything to keep him awake til 7!!). The poor baby was falling asleep with an ice cream in one hand and a popsicle the the other. The 3 year olds version of double fisting it. Needless to say it was an early night for all.

Our first snowSTORM and it's not December yet! Hopefully it sticks and we have a white Christmas.
This was our backyard this afternoon and then again this evening and it is still dumping down.



Sean and Cam are both sick. And we all know what men are like when they're sick. So it's been Cuy and I hanging out away from the sickies.

We had an integration meeting with the centre on Monday to set some new goals for Cuyler and I really started thinking after we left, what about him is SO different from the other kids that warrants a diagnosis?
I know I can't articulate my thoughts exactly, but the staff and resource consultant kept talking about how he is fitting right in and doing what all the others are doing. I'm not sure that they are looking at the big picture and just trying to be positive for our sake.
But I would mention something and their response was "Oh, he just turned 3. That's pretty age appropriate." or "All the others are doing the same."
He knows and can identify his colours, he can count up to 25, he can say the alphabet, he knows and can identify circle, square, triangle, rectangle and star.
He's not toilet trained - neither are 3/4 of his class.
He follows the routine better than any other child in the class (go figure)
His speech and articulation are delayed. The others aren't perfectly articulate yet.
He's still at parallel play. Alot of his classmates are not yet at associative play.
There are 4 in the class that are older than him, the rest are between 2.5-3.
I know his receptive language and comprehension are severely affected and that's a huge component of his diagnosis. That's the difference. For the most part - he is more LIKE his classmates than he is DIFFERENT from them. The staff even said that if a stranger were told there was an autistic child in the class - they'd have a hard time picking Cuyler out.
So I hate the fact that they're telling us "He's pretty normal..."
When I know he is autistic. I know he is...but not when we speak with the teachers and the worker...it's almost like they're trying to make everything good and happy and positive (which I so appreciate), but let's not be blind to reality.
Perhaps I'm too nervous to really relish the progress he's made...but I don't want to become less diligent about the intervention we put in place for him.

I'll not go on about all of this because, as I said, I just can't articulate what exactly my thoughts are...

Bottom line: He's doing awesome. He's happy.

Long time no blog...
Where to start?
How 'bout at the most prominent in my mind right now. My tooth. The back right molar. Second from last. It broke. So I have a big, gaping hole in the back of my mouth and it is grossing me out. One quarter of the tooth is just gone. And it's sharp. And I'm a little pissed about it. I had just gotten back from the pharmacy about to eat dinner (the boys had eaten while I was out). I was starving for the meatballs I had made for supper with my oh-so-yummy sauce. First bite in - CRACK. Ugh...I thought I was gonna barf. Now I can't eat or drink anything because it's like an open nerve. AND I'M HUNGRY!

The reason I was at the pharmacy was to get Cam's perscription for his medication. He has croup. Again. This is the third time he's had it. He had it at 6mos and exactly 1 year later to the day (Oct 6, 2001 & 2002) at 18mos. Both times we ended up at emerg. This time we waited it out.
We have both been up since 4am. I sent Sean to sleep in Cams bed and stayed up with Cam. At 4:30am we were sitting on the front porch trying to get some cold air into his lungs (it was -3C). That didn't work . So I tried his ventolin. That just made his heart race. Then a cough drop helped for very brief amount of time. Then a hot shower didn't do anything.
So we went to the dr this aft...and he said croup. Which surprised me because I thought croup affected little ones under 2. He said it could affect children up to age 6. So he got his meds, I gave him an epsom salt bath and hopefully we have a restful night.

When I got the to dr's I thanked him for getting me Cuy's birth records so quickly. We started talking about it. We actually spoke at length about it. I told him much of it I didn't understand, but what I could decipher was pretty interesting. And put alot into perspective. I didn't realize the perspective until speaking with the dr today.
You see, as I read things like dangerous decelerations, neonatal asphyxia, resuscitation, O2 bagged, cord wraped tight 4x, extreme difficulty cutting cord, viable male, flacid reflexes, born blue...
All of that made grateful for the little boy we've got.
I've always thought "Boy - we sure dodged a bullet" The autism that we're dealing with, is much different than what we could be dealing with.
But until my dr told me that the only records they knew of, of babies with a 4 cord wrap were stillborns. I had no idea. We didn't dodge a bullet. We've got a real live miracle.
He told me about how he remebered the day Cuy was born and how people in the hospital (staff) were talking "about that baby with the cord wrapped 4x".
I was also very aware of the emotion I could see in my dr's face while he spoke with me. He is genuinely involved and cares. He didn't even deliver Cuy (he doesn't do OB) but still feels connected and remembers when Cuy was born. It helps that his children are the same age as mine. And we are so lucky to have that care for our children and our family. It makes a huge difference.
I won't go on about it, but I could forever. I know it sounds dramatic. But I don't hesitate to consider him a miracle.

He's been a happy guy lately. Lot's of language. Tons actually. Asking for things using "I want".
"I want juice"
"I want cookie"
And when I offer him something he doesn't want, he shakes his head and says "no", as opposed to pushing it out of the way.
And!
AND!
AND!!
He's kissing me on the lips - ALL THE TIME! Mooo-wah!

With that I will sign off, starving and feeling yucky because of this fucking tooth. I go to the dentist tomorrow morning at 10:30. I'm terrified I'm going to lose the tooth. Ugh...can't think about it.
Need sleep.

Who IS this kid?...really...who is he??
I like him alot and I hope he hangs around for a good long while! We had another day full of chatter and language. Even the daycare mentioned how much more language he's using.
When I dropped him off at school today I said "Give Mummy a kiss!"
He presented me the top of his head to kiss, as usual. I said "No...give Mummy a proper kiss on the lips." He looked up at me, pursed his lips, said "moo-wah" kissed me!
Then wiped the kiss off.
Before school, I was a tad nervous because the fall jacket we had worked so hard on and spent so much time getting on him is just not warm enough for the winter weather. I took him to school in it, but brought along the snowsuit with the boots, hat and mitts. I figured he'd do it for them before doing it for me. (I've done childcare - I know the drill).
And he did.
I took the fall jacket home with me and hid it.
We had a funfilled afternoon outside and I'm pretty sure we're going to get a sleep-in out of them both tonight.
We went outside after picking up Cam from school and the first thing Cuy wants - is in the babyswing (that we were supposed to put away already). I'm not sure how much longer we can cram him in it for.
After a few minutes of swinging he wanted "out". He pushed me from behind and said "up hill". So I went up the hill. He followed me up and said "Ready, set, GO!" then I had to run down the hill. We did this about...20 times. I didn't mind one bit. He was engaged and he was outside WEARING A SNOWSUIT having a wonderful time!!! How could I make him stop when he looked like this:

And theres' NO WAY he's going to be awake past 7:30 after running up and down this hill 20 times!


Gotta love fresh winter air!
After about an hour outside, we came in for a snack and I had to get supper started. I was in the kitchen and Cuy walked in and said "open it" and handed me his jar of Flarp. If you've never seen this - it's addictive. We put it in the loot bags from Cuys party and the kids haven't stopped playing with it. I get it from the dollar store, so it's a fun, cheap toy. It makes the most intense, authentic and HILARIOUS fart noises.
Anyhoo - I bought it to help Cuy with his sensory defensiveness. And he has refused to touch it.
Until today.

He was breaking it up and handing me pieces saying "here you go" and trying to shove it in my mouth saying "Mmmmmm! Yummy!"

And before his bath tonight he made a fantastic effort to get his clothes off. Following directions.
"Take your shirt off" And he tried but asked for help. "Howp"
"Take your pants off." And he'd try but him thumbs got caught in his diaper. "Howp me!"
"Take your socks off." And he bent down and tried to take them off while his feet were still on the ground. He figured out (by himself) that he needed to sit.
Then said to me "Diaper off."
Good boy!

Can't get much better than today. I'll have to remember this week when the next shitty one comes. I feel like it's just around the corner. And it may be...but for now, I relish him and all his progress - and there is ToNs of progress!

I went for my interview this morning.
And I think I kicked ass. If I don't get it - it's because I'm overqualified. Which I think is total bullshit. How can somebody be too good for a job?
Anyhoo - I feel good about it.

Props to all of the working mommies out there. I don't know how you do it every day. And we don't even need to be out the door before 8:30. Even if I get the job, I won't start til 9am and it's about a 5 minute drive from my house. My morning routine won't really change time-wise. I'll just go to work after dropping them off, instead of back home.
It was a challenge to get to the place by 9:30am (the interview was at the head office about 1/2hr from our house). And I had help. I dropped Cuy off at 8:45 and Sean took Cam to school.
The challenge was not getting the kids off to their respective schools on time. It was putting myself together before leaving the house (showered, hair blow dried, makeup on, dressed well).
Usually it's a quick shower and toss my wet hair up into a clip or pinned into a bun then a swipe of mascara and I'm good to go.

My plan was to get up at 7am and start getting ready. The kids don't usually wake up until between 7-7:30. Cam crawled into bed with me at around midnight last night. Sean was out at hockey (til 1am), so I let Cam stay in our bed.
I kinda wake up, all groggy, looked at the clock and it said 7:48.
I whisper "Oh Fuck!"
Sean hears me, looks at the clock and he whispers "Oh shit!"
Cam's out cold.
Cuyler's out cold.
I run into the shower and get myself ready quicker that I have before.
Cuyler's still out cold and it's 8am.
Good thing Sean wasn't that hungover. He picked up all the slack I left him - dress the boys, feed the boys, pack the backpacks. By the time I was prettied up and ready to go - Cuy was ready as well. Coat on, shoes on, backpacked packed.
I (kinda) felt like one of the working moms I see at the school in the morning. Rushing in...giving him a quick hug and kiss and flying back to the van. It was a bit of an adrenaline rush. Like I had a purpose. I had to be somewhere. Someone needed me.

And to top off a great morning - Cuy wouldn't shut up all day. He was Mr. Chatterbox. He was engaged with me most of the afternoon and I loved it. We even played a kissing game - which was super sweet!!!!!!
AND, it snowed ALOT! I love the snow! Except that I have aquafit in an hour and it's freakin cold...and I hate swimming in the cold. I do love how my body feels after the workout, tho. But maybe that's just the scorching hot tub I hang out in after the workout...

I also got the hospital records from Cuylers birth today. Interesting read and brought back alot of memories. That'll be another blog on another day. The pool awaits me.

Not much to say today. Kids were good. Weather was shitty. Poured rain all day...

Cam had hockey tonight and they put him on the big ice as he seemed to be able keep up with the older kids. He did AWESOME! We were so proud. He was the smallest kid out there. He looked so wee! But he wasn't the slowest or the least skilled skater.
And yes - I know I'm bragging and I don't care. My kid is good. He's the tiny one with the white Team Canada jersey:



All four of us went because Cuyler has been so good this past week or so that we were confident he'd do fine there. And he did!
He sat in the stands with us and watched the kids play hockey. He ran up and down the aisle, like any rink rat would do! He seemed to have alot of fun there and it was really great being there together as a family.


And to end - we are just having too much damn fun with this tramopline!
It's neat. Cuyler will jump on it for about 5 minutes then not go near it for a few hours. I was a bit nervous that he'd be on it all day. But he seems to be able to regulate himself on it. He'll go down and bounce first thing in the morning. Then come upstairs and eat, dress, play, go to school or whatever we do in the morning. Then he'll bounce again after lunch. Then around dinner time, then right before bed.
It's like he only goes on when he needs it for vestibular input. And he knows when he needs it.
Then there's Cam. I wonder how long before we'll have an injury...



I've been asked by a few people where we got the tramopline. I know Sears has it. But my Mum bought it at Winners for $60 less than the Sears price.

We did a pretty shitty job of storing the leftover birthday cake out of Cuyler's reach. I was downstairs doing laundry and thought I'd better check out why it was so quiet upstairs. I get to the top of the stairs to find Cuyler looking like he'd just won the lottery. He gives me a huge grin and says "YUMMEEEE CAKE!" He's actually saying "Cheeeese!" in the first pic:


This was 8am this morning.


I just finished replying to a post on a board and the mother was wondering how people told their friends about their childs disorder/diagnosis.
I wasn't sure what to reply back. I don't think I ever had to "tell" people about Cuy and our issues with him.
I sent out a mass email to everyone on my contact list when he was diagnosed. But up until then, they were all pretty much aware that he had some delays and that he was being seen about them by one professional or another.
I think, if anything, I overtold people. I was not going to let people think I didn't know that he was behind. It was more so people wouldn't judge me as a bad parent. Or an out of touch parent. Or a clueless parent.
And I am guilty of of judging. Believe me, I am (and I'm not proud of it). I have worked with one family in particular - the most severe case of autism I've worked with. And the parents wouldn't believe the child had anything more than a speech delay. I though they were the most ignorant people I had ever met. They refused any type of help for their son because "he didn't need it" and were so blind to everything surrounding his needs. Which made working with him almost impossible and it wasn't fair on him, the staff or the other children in the program. They only agreed to help after we were going to ask them to find alternate care for him as we couldn't without support.
Now I know that the fear and terror is what was holding them back. That if they held onto the belief that he was just a slow talker - that things will be fine. That he'll be ok. (I think Sean had a bit of that)
I'll be damned if people look at me and think that.
And I'll be damed to let MY fears and anxiety impede Cuyler's growth and development.



I got a call from Kerrys Place. I just wanted to get on their list so I can use them as an extra resource or go to any workshops that may interest me.
We do an intake over the phone. She asks me questions. Some were really basic like if I want pamphlets on autism do I need help with this that and the other and I'm arrogantly thinking "Lady...I know my shit..."
So we continue to chat and she asks about behaviours. Does he have any?
"Ya...he bites sometimes. Pulls my hair alot. Tantrums. General behaviours. Nothing I'm too TOO concered about."

~And how do you handle them?

"Well we're using pecs as an additional tool. He seems to understand somewhat. It's hard when his older brother antagonizes him and angers him on purpose. Much of it stems from his inability to verbalize what he's feeling. That and he doesn't like when he doesn't get his way, like most kids his age. Frustration."

~You have an older child?
I give her Cams age. And she seems to be asking the same question over and over again. How do you deal with it? Does Campbell get hurt? Do they fight? Do they hurt each other?

"Well...I try my best to always be near. If I see a situation escalating I get down with them and try and redirect. if not I grab the pecs and show Cuyler that he 'bit Cam. Cam's sad. No biting!' "

~Have there been any injuries?

"Nooo...the odd bitemark. Pulled hair. Nothing major. Kid stuff."
(I'm getting annoyed now)
"They're brothers. One's 4. The other is 3. I think THAT has more to do with it than autism does...I have put a referral in to see a behaviour therapist. If I was overly concerned, I'd put more urgency into it."

~Okay. Well just so you know, we always go over all new clients files together as a team. Sometimes we have to report sitations to CAS (Childrens Aid Society). If we feel that there could be harm done or someone's saftey is at risk.

Time to pull out the ECE card. Cuz I'm super annoyed. Actually...make that pissed off. Now I have to defend his behaviours as "normal" when he's actually behaving age appropriately.

"Look. I've got my ECE. I have a childcare background. I have HART training up to level 3. I have worked with typical children who have much more severe behaviour issues. Really. This is 2 brothers roughousing for fun. And yes, sometimes fighting mad at each other. But you do what you need to do. I am confident that both my children are quite safe here. With each other."

~Oh yes. It sounds fine there. But I did just want to inform you that that's our policy. We've had some incidents in the past, so we would rather err on the side of caution. You understand.

"Totally"

I just got the feeling that nothing could be normal in our house because we have a child with autism. Like we need help with everything.
Perhaps we're just lucky that we're doing well. Maybe Cuyler is at the milder end of the spectrum then alot of kids they see there.
We're comfortable with the diagnosis. We understand it (mostly...much is a mystery). We are capable. Speaking with her made me realize how capable I am. And how our family is, maybe, not like many families dealing with this disorder. She even commented on how positive we are and how our expectations were high for him. And how unique that was. Which made me kinda sad that people don't see the possibilites with these children.
"Treat me as I am, and I will remain as I am.
Treat me as I could be and I will become that bigger and better man."

She ended by asking me if she could use my name as a contact for any families newly diagnosed who live in my area. Of course I said, "Absolutely."
That made me feel good.




And just a quick FYI - the trampoline is a major hit in our house and the easiest way to get the kids to bed early!

LOOK AT ME!!
I JUST TURNED 3!!



Well...today my baby boy turned 3 years old. All day yesterday, starting at 8:30am I would say to Sean, "Oh...I went into labour right now." "Still in labour!" "Still in labour...no drugs yet..." "Still no drugs!" We went to bed around 1:30am and just before we fell asleep I said to him "Five hours to go til he was born!". (It was a 22 hour labour. blech!)
The freaky thing was, Cam came into our room this morning and woke me up. He had to go pee. I looked at the clock and it said 6:48.
Bizarre...that's the exact time that Cuy was born on November 13, 2002.

What a weekend we had. Last night we had a party to go to at Seans parents house. It was his Dads 60th/retirement party. Amazingly, both boys had a great time and were happy and pleasant the enitre night. We arrived around 5:30 and I didn't get them home until just before 11. Sean had to stay - he wasn't finished drinking beer by the time I was ready to go.
So I get home, shuffle the boys in bed and get started on Cuys birthday cake. I had to do it last night so it would be cool enough to frost this morning. And I was too busy handrolling/ovenbaking meatballs for the 2 days prior to do it anytime before 11pm last night. So the cake was baked and done by 1am.
Sean got up early and took Cam to McD's for breakfast while Cuy and I slept in...sort of. Cuy woke up at 7:30. After not going to bed until 11pm the night before!!
I frosted the cake and ended up with this:

I'm a pretty good cook. A baker - I am not.

Cam had a classmate's birthday party to attend at 11am.
Cuys party started at noon. Bit if a rush to get him there and back - but Sean took care of that. He's such a good dad (although I think he was avoiding the last minute stuff that had to be done for the party).

Cuy seemed to really enjoy his day. He was happy and sat at the table and had some lunch. He ran around outside for awhile (it was another mild day!).
He thoroughly enjoyed cake and was even helped open his own gifts this year!


He really had no moments of isolation and didn't seem to need to shut down. (He did a few times last night at Seans Dads party. But it was louder with alot more grownups and it was at night and he was tired.) Not that he wasn't tired today after his late night.
I really was impressed at how he managed himself today. We had about 20 people over and he did really well. He had 1 minor tantrum when his cousin wanted to read one of the 2 Wiggles books Cuy had. He was pissed off for a few minutes, but calmed soon after.

As you can see, Cuy got a trampoline (from Nana) for his birthday. Our private OT said not to get him one as it would just encourage the stimming, but our other OT said that the jumping is a (vestibular) need that he has and if we can allow him time to jump - he'll be able to focus on the tasks that we need him to do.
Plus he gets so much joy from the jumping and I'm all for exhausting them using whatever means we necessary...and I'd rather have them bounce on this than on my sofa.
WOO HOO! NO HANDS!


I cannot rememebr when I've felt this exhausted. This weekend was just go go go!
We are planning to have the boys in bed by 7...soaking in the hot tub and heading to bed. We'll probably have to dvr DH and Greys.

I'll sign off with a message to my beautiful baby boy:


You've come so far in 3 years. You've taught me so much in those 3 years. Who knew the ride we'd be on! (Although from your arrival, I should have known it would be an interesting journey!)
You've strengthened my soul. You've brought daddy and I closer together (which I didn't think was possible), you've given your brother a wisdom seldom seen in children. You have enriched our entire family with your unique character. You bring a smile to everyone who looks at you - into your eyes.
For as many challeneges we have faced and will face in the future, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing. Because then we wouldn't be who we are. You wouldn't be my Cuy.
I could go on forever about the wonder that is...Cuyler...
But just know that Mommy and Daddy and Cam love you more than you will ever know.

WOW.
What a day. Another great one.
He put his jacket on willingly this morning. I walked toward him with it and he just stuck his arm out and said "Cuy-yerr coat on!"
Cam and I cheered and clapped. Cuyler cheered and clapped. I was stunned as I was expecting a fight, followed by a meltdown.
And he had a great morning at the Early Years centre.
He was happy all day with the exception of the usual witching hour misery, which we got through as always.

So...I've been thinkng about what my friend Sal posted about, what I commented back and her posted response to it.
Again, this could all be a matter of semantics. Speech. Langauge. Speaking. Communicating. Talking. Verbalizing.
I absolutely do consider Cuyler to be verbal/speaking and he doesn't seem to be near where baby girl is speech-wise (in my limited opinion). I guess it's because he's at the beginning stages of verbal communication and I know that the rest will come. In time.
Because he is able to get his needs met using verbal language (as opposed to gestures, pecs or signing). He can sing songs, count numbers. Protest things (he's good at that). He can make verbal requests. For example:
Tonight he asked me for his soother by looking at me and saying "Soo!"
I said to him "Tell Mommy 'I want my soo'"
He repeated "I wan my soo"
I said "Tell Daddy." He looked at Sean and said "I wan my soo."

When my Mom comes over he says "Ohh...Hi Nana!"
When we put him to bed he says "Ny ny! Seeyoo inna mownee!"
When my Dad come over he says "Wanda! Juicebox!" (Granda. He always brings juice)
All spontaneous - no prompting.
I dunno. To me that's talking. Speaking.

Six months ago, he was not speaking. He had maybe a 10 word vocabulary. To me, that's not speaking. He didn't even say "Mommy" until he was well over 2. So the words he does say, the language he does use - it's truly music to my ears.

One of the Moms in my support group has a little girl who is 3.5. No language. No words. Fleeting, if any, eye contact. She has never heard her child say 1 word. Not even "Mommy". I think of her often. At least once each meeting she comments on what she would give to hear her little girl call her "Mommy"
When I hear her talk about things like that - it makes me grateful for what we've got with Cuyler. And the lanaguage he has and his ability to speak to us.
I think that's my biggest indicator that - YES - he is a speaker. When I think about the children who have no language.
Ask a parent of a child who truly does not talk. Has no language. Says no words.
I'll bet they think that our children speak.

I've been told by a pediatrician, a dr, a psychologist and the woman from Community Living that if a child does not speak (say words) by 3, they likely will not. Ever. Which I'm not sure I agree with, but apparently there are published studies on this subject.
The french analogy is good one. I don't speak french. But I can speak french. (Enough to roughly get me through a weekend in Montreal!).
I guess my analogy is this: I think of his language as a sponge. Right now just the outside is wet, maybe even just damp. Slowly it will absorb and the holes will fill. They may not all fill in but the sponge will be full one day.
(I may not have articulated that very well. But in my mind it totally makes sense :-P)

For our situation - we're thrilled with his progress. We love that he can ask us when he wants something to eat. Tell us he's thirsty. Tell us he wants to go outside. Come inside. Brush his teeth. Read a book. Ride his bike. Ask for his brother...
He's talking to us. Speaking to us.

"Cuyler had an awesome day!!
He wore his jacket outside this morning. I hid the sweater and zipped the jacket up 3/4 of the way. I put the jacket on over his head as I would with his pullover. He whined a bit but no tears at all.
Cuyler sang all the songs at circle and during cognitive he played with beanie babies with the other children iuntil it was his turn to do the shape sorter. he did that successfully and only handed me one shaoe that he couldn't do. GREAT DAY!"

That was the entry in his communication book today. Of course, when I got there, he FA-reeked out when I tried to put his jacket on. But I did anyways and he cried for about 2 minutes, then was fine. I could tell he was uncomfortable in it. He kept looking sideways and down, with just his eyes, like he was scoping it out. We'll just force it on him everyday until he stops crying.
How awful is that???? I think this is the only way with this kid. The OT has come twice for a consult about his jacket and is puzzled by it...so we do it the hard way.

Today is recorded in pictures. It was a terrific day. I loved it. The weather was amazing, I got alot done plus Cuyler was in a good mood - very happy.
I was even able to go the the Human Resource office and finally get his application for a social ins. number submitted. With Cuyler!!!
I then went to the post office and mailed off my cheque for the keychains. WITH Cuyler!!!!
I also got into to the dr last minute and got the Easter Seals and disability tax credit forms filled out. WithOUT Cuyler...I'm not that ambitious and I know my/his limits.

Cam went to hockey tonight and he'll be on the ice with the bigger kids next week...yikes.

I bought Cuy a new toy today - his "beebee goo-wull" as he calls her (baby girl). He was very gentle with her and seems to like her. Hopefully we can start some pretend play soon!



And this is what I had to contend with after bath tonight. Trying to diaper and jammie him as he bounced from one side of the couch to the other. Over and over and over again.
Cam walked in from hockey and said "Naked Boy!!!" And that started Cuyler in one of his laughing fits. It's one of my favourite sounds - his big bottom-of-the-belly laugh.

And he wouldn't stop laughing. He'd keep repeated "Makin Boyee!" (Naked boy - articulation...see?)


But gosh - he's so damn handsome...I couldn't help but encourage the laughter. He smiles with his eyes. And they say that you can see a childs autism through their eyes. These beautiful brown eyes show nothing but happiness.





And this is how they ended their day. Horsing around with Daddy. What more could a girl ask for?
Healthy, happy kids. Healthy, happy, HELPFUL husband!

Somebody sure loves The Wiggles. This is how he sleeps - with his 2 favourite things - a soother and anything Wiggles.
I can't even imagine him not having his soother. He will be 3 years old in 6 days and we are NOWHERE near getting rid of it. His occupational therapist has told us not to even consider taking it away from him, as we would have to replace it with something else. The soother is meeting a need from a sensory input standpoint, therefore having the soother is not a habit for him, it's a necessity.
But, man, I hate when we're walking around the mall and he's got it in. I used to judge people and think it was awful of them for allowing their 3 or 4 yr old to walk around with a chooch hanging out of their gob. Now I'm one of "them". I never judge parents anymore. I was really good at that before I had kids...Now I know better.

I often feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Almost like I have preconcieved ideas about him and where we are and where we're headed. So I tend to focus on the negative aspects of his autism. Those aspects are the most powerful as far as what they elicit from me. Anger, frustration, sadness, fear. While the postive aspects bring me a sense of peace and contentment. Unfortunately the negative tends to leave a longer lasting impression on my psyche.
I know that Cuyler is getting better. I know he is. But most of the time I can't see it. I often wish I could see him as our friends and family do. They see the leaps and bounds. The things he is doing now that he wasn't a month ago. They social gains he makes, the functional langauge he's acquired.
I am with him every day. Somedays I am with him for 10-12 hours straight. Time tends to just run and blend together so I don't see those jumps he makes.
I think he did another one last week. I think. Today my friend Tara mentioned that if you didn't know he had a diagnosis, you wouldn't think there was anything different about him (compared to the other kids). She hadn't seen him in well over a month.
Lately (the past 2 or 3 days), he seems to be more of a talker than a non-talker. It's not all functional (alot of it's not), but he is communicating with words. And he still does his jumpy dancing and jibberjabbering jargon. But he'll tell us what he wants...what he doesn't want (he's reall good at that). Greeting people. Singing songs. He can tell you he'll be "fee" on his "booday"
I don't think there's anything he can't say. It's the formulation and the process of speaking that challenges him. The neuro part of talking, not the oral motor part, although his articulation is rough at times. I think more visuals will help with that I just need to figure out which ones will help the most.
I'm going to Kerry's Place tomorrow with my friend Robin.
It's a big step for me in the journey. I grew up in the city where it's located. Have driven past it for years and years. And I never wanted to go there. Be a part of it. I didn't think I needed to. Almost like I was thinking "yeah...he's autistic...but not that autistic...we don't need anymore help. I don't need to go there."
But I am. And I'm excited. I think that it will only hep us. Another resource to pull from.

Another milestone I'm not sure how I feel about: I may have bought my last pack of diapers today. Once he turns 3, Easter Seals will pay for diapers and wipes. I'm glad and appreciative of that as it will be one less expense, but it also makes me sad that we are nowhere near being toilet trained at 3. Another reminder of one of his major delays.
I also think that we'll join the ASO and become members. Our region has their own chapter. This way I can go to their workshops free of charge. They do alot of workshops, they have support groups, family functions...and these awesome keychains that I'm getting a few of. I think they're so nice.

All in all...a good last few days. Lots of talking, lot's of words, lot's of smiles, hugs...what more can a Mum ask for?


I had to throw this one in because I think it's cute...but again, with the "soo" (as Cuy calls it).

I want to be an "askable parent." Come into "teachable moments."
And lately I am coming across "bloggable moments."

Like tonight. I love this one.

Supernanny was on tonight. The family involved had 4year old twin girls and a 3yr old boy with autism. Cuyler was in bed and we let Cam stay up a bit.
Sean was in the kitchen prepping a late dinner. Cam was watching the program with me and a few minutes into it he looked at me and said "Hey! They have a little brother with autism - just like me!"
Sean and I look at each other, eyebrows raised. Kinda stunned.
"Yes they do. Do you know what autism is?" I reply.
"Ya..." and he looks at me like he really doesn't.
So I say "Well...Cuyler has autism and that means...he can't speak like you or I can. He's just learning. And he sometimes has behaviour problems like when he scratches us or pulls my hair. And some things really bother him like putting on his jacket."

"I know all THAT! Tell me things about it I don't know yet."

"Okay. Cuyler learns differently and plays differently. That's why there are alot of people working with him like Angela (OT), Debbie, Madhu (ST), Irene (PT) - to help him talk, to help him dress himself. Things like that. And Cuy doesn't play WITH people the same way you do. He doesn't know how to make friends like you. He likes playing by himself alot."
I gave him the example of how he plays hockey with the neighbours. Cuyler likes to run around and watch them, instead of playing hockey with them.
He says "Ohhh...I didn't know that...and he's on the special diet for his autism too, right?"
"Yep. He sure is." I say.
"Ya, his gluten and casein free diet is really helping him."

Christ he's smart!

These are examples of why I truly believe that Cam is an old soul with an instinct about him that not many kids his age have.

Maybe it's just me - but I'm not sure that many 4yr olds would "get it".
We have always been very open about everything. That's the way we are. Ask a question, get an answer. We never hide things. Cam has seem me cry many times about Cuyler (I always ensure he knows everything is FINE). But I guess I have never heard Cam refer to Cuy as anything other than his brother or his buddy. I don't actually think I've ever even heard Cam say autism. It made me look at him with so much pride. He knows Cuyler's different. But it doesn't change anything. He's not going to let a little thing like autism get in the way of him being a big brother and all that goes along with that. Teaching him things. Tormenting him. Chasing him, being chased. Dancing together, fighting each other, singing together, not wanting anything to do with him, begging him to play...the good and the not so good. That's the great thing about being 4. No filter. No preconcieved ideas. Just pure brotherhood.

I think I felt like we crossed some type of threshold. That we really are, all four of us, in this together.
We're a foursome. A team.
Along with all of our supportive friends and family backing us up.

Maybe I'm overdramatizing this, but it was a big deal for me.

For every 5 bad days, we get a good one.
And I got a good one today. Boy did I need it.

He reminded me of all the great things he can do. And I spent the day adoring my baby boy.
Sean decided that he would take care of morning routine (with the exception of prepping lunches) and dressed, fed and got them both off to school AND brought me back a coffee before he headed off to work. So he has redeemed himself from being very un-handy around the house. I'm no longer pissed off at him (for now).

When I picked up Cuyler from school he was happy. Smiling. My Mum came with me and he greeted her with a happy "Hi Nana!"
He ate all his lunch which was good to hear - his appetite has been waning of late. He even drank out of the non-sippy cup (not a regular cup either, rather one with a straw).
He looked at his teachers and said goodbye to each of them.

At home he was happy all afternoon. I was able to teach him that he's turning 3. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't "get it", but when you ask "Cuy! How old are you gonna be?" He replies with a big smile "Fee! YAY!" And then he sings happy birthday.
He seemed to be verbalizing more today. Alot more. Just repeating everything. Making requests. And he was just happy. And cuddly.
When we went to pick Cam up from school he shouted from his carseat "Pesss pay!! Ah-foo" pointing to the dvd screen. Translation: "Press play - Arthur!" So I complied and put the Arthur dvd on for him.

Once we got home, he wanted to play outside. He never wants to play outside. So we played outside for over an hour. It was so much fun and he and Cam had a blast tearing around with the other kids. It was nice because Cam is all about being outside playing hockey and Cuy would rather hole up inside and flip through a book or play with blocks. And the fact that it was a gorgeous, mild day made it that much better!

Once inside - he hit his wall. It was close to 5 and I needed to get supper started and that's usually "witching hour" anyways. He's hungry and he's tired. So he's cranky for awhile. Until well after Sean got home. And he was in such a fit that it was just best to let him scream and flail it out. Sean and I would ask every now and then if he wanted "sandwich?" "toast?" "apple?". We knew he was hungry. After a few more minutes of him crying, he said out of nowhere "makin!" Which means bacon. So Sean cooked him up some turkey bacon. And all was well in Cuyler's world.
Which has me thinking that I'm going to try and get a bunch of stuff together to get some visuals going for him. I hope that these will help with his comprehension.

And how's this for irony:
I went to a job fair October 3.
Heard nothing about it for a month. One month exactly.
Blogged about it yesterday.
Got a call this afternoon to set up an interview for it!

The interview is not for awhile and I don't want to get into it on this blog in case I bomb yet another interview. If I get it - I'll post it.

I really don't think I'm ok.
I know I'm not ok actually.
I do not think I'm cut out for this gig I've got as a Special Needs Parent. I posted awhile back about feeling the "peace". I think that was just a good day he had.
Because I probably haven't felt that since I wrote that entry.

I feel like I'm letting my kids down and my husband. I suck at this. I can't keep my house clean and I feel like I can't keep my kids happy.
My goal was to vaccum the house today. All I got vaccumed were the boys rooms. But the downstairs NEEDED it badly...and the vaccum never made it down there until Sean did it after supper.
And I don't know what to do with Cuyler. Half the time I can't stand him and the other half I simply adore him.
Today, I just didn't want to exist.
All I had on my need-to-do list was to do was run to the grocery store to pick up some juice that we desperately needed. We had to pass McDonalds to get there. He immediately begins to scream when I don't pull in. And he continues until I get to the store. I feel a shoe hit me in the back of the head....deep breath in...
I go around and unbuckle him and he's still wailing and flailing and screaming, ripping my hair out, scratching at my face and trying to bite my arms. Two things kept me from dropping onto the pavement (on purpose) - the man shaking his head and staring at me in the car beside us (whose face I just wanted to punch), and Cam. I didn't want to totally lose it in front of him.
So I think "fuck it - juice can wait. And there is no way in hell he's getting fy fies now."
So he screams the entire way home flinging his head side to side in a way that made me think "Great he's doing even more damage to his brain. Just what I need."
I get on my cell phone and call Sean and leave some crying-my-eyes-out, crazed message about how I hate my life and I hate autism and I'm so sick of the bullshit that we go through all the time and nothing is easy and he's so miserable and I know you started smoking again so just grow some balls and admit it and stop lying...
THEN, I get home and in the mail there is a letter from the Attorney General for Sean. He's got jury duty. Why the hell can't I get ONE DAY off for jury duty?????? And we have an Cuyler's integration meeting scheduled for that day.
I was so pissed off. Not only does he get and outlet from home at work. He gets an outlet from work at jury duty...damn...

I've come to the conclusion that I can't do it anymore. I need help and I can't be the person in charge of everything anymore. I need someone to come in and help me deal with these behaviours that just break me to the point of public meltdowns. I've put a call into a behaviour therapist and I hope to hear from her by weeks end.
Normally we would have just gotten him some french fries A)to reward him for communicating and/or B) to shut him up, but we can't continue to let these tantrums control everything and I believe that he's learned that's what happens.
I know that typical 2-3 yr olds throw tantrums, but these ones are beyond control and they can takes AGES to calm him from one.
I think the big thing that people do NOT understand is that his receptive language and comprehension are so limited and delayed right now that we cannot talk him out of it. He doesn't understand when we explain things like "When we're done here, we'll go there." He couldn't understand that we were going to go to McDonalds after the store (I needed to get cash first). Somedays he can throw tantrums intermittently for hours...he's hot and cold - happy for 5 minutes, miserable for 10, all day long. And they are completely unpredictable. Most of the time we'll know our denial to one of his requests may set him off - but sometimes they come out of nowhere. And when he's in one, his strength can surpass Seans - and Sean's a BIG guy.
So, to my mother-in-law who thinks we spoil him...GIMME A FREAKIN BREAK. If we do things that appear that we are spoiling him or giving in - it's a matter of survival at this point. That's all I'll say about that cuz I know she reads this.

And I need a job. I want a job. Just something part time to get me out doing other things, bringing in some money. I applied for one that would begin in January, working from 9-noon, Monday to Friday. How perfect would that be?????
Cuyler's daycare has space for Cam in their kindergarten room if I need it and Sean's dad will be retired so I've asked him to take him on the Friday mornings that he's not in school. It's probably not going to be enough money to really help us out, but I think I'd like the work and once the kids were both in school fulltime, I could move around within the company. The best thing (ok maybe that's not the right term) is that the founder of the company has an daughter with autism and he has given a grant to UWO (Univeristy of Western Ontario) and started an autism research team...definately a company I want to work for. I hope to hear back from them in the next few weeks.
God I hope they call me!

I've said it in the past and I will continue to say it...If God has given me a special needs child, hold off on the friggin PMS...especially the week of Hallowe'en. Geez!