Today started out pretty good. I was in a good mood. Boys were in good moods, despite their bad colds. I got up, hopped in the shower, fed the kids, dressed them. BLOW DRIED my hair (usually it's left wet and rolled up into a clip). And I put on some makeup. I even caught one of those rare moments when they're not pinching, pulling, pushing or scratching each other when my back is turned.


So I'm feeling ambitious and I decide to re-arrange Cams room. It just hasn't felt cozy to me since I put his bed up on a frame and moved it from where it was originally. I think the thought was to make it more into a Big Boy room. But it just never sat well with me. I take it off the frame and move it back to where it was originally. His room looks huge now, with all his floor space there to play. And Cam loves it.
Note to self - don't ask the husband for help next time. I forgot he's useless around the house. Piss me off...

So then we go to WalMart to get some chips in case we run out of candy tonight. I've been dipping into the Halloween candy for a few days now so our stash has been getting low. I grab a coffee. Come home and make 1 batch of gluten free playough for Cuyler to have at school. And 2 batches of regular for Cams class. Smelly paydough too! Orange for Cuy and cherry and blue lemonade for Cam.

We have lunch and my Mum comes over and we go get more coffee (mmm!) and pick up some soil (to transplant some of my garden from front to back). Then we went to a local farm to pick up some pumpkins. The boys had a great time running around!




Cuy's so funny. He was running around calling the pumpkins "hunkins"

When we get home I decided we should carve them before I start supper. Cam designed a mini pumpkin and I carved a big one. I cut the top off our other large one only to find it filled with with this greeny/browny liquid. It was so freakin nasty!!!
(Of course, when Sean gets home, he places outside of our house on the small cable box on our lawn. But it's ok if the bigger kids knock it over and make a disgusting mess "It'll be on the grass". Again...piss me off...)

At this point, around 3:30, Cuyler hits a wall of fatigue and misery and proceeds to scream for about 90 minutes. The kind where I go to soothe him and he tried to scratch out my eyes, or rip out my hair. I end up going on time-out and sitting on the porch waiting for Sean to get home. I really wanted a cigarette. But I often really want a cigarette. And I haven't had one in years.
Cam wanted to go trick or treating with Sean, but I made the executive decision to take him because I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with Cuyler any longer. He is just sick and feeling yucky and miserable. And I can only deal with it for so many hours in the day (usually about 10 hrs is my limit).
This was Cuy as we were getting ready to go:


And Cam and I heading out:

He had alot of fun but wasn't keen on any houses with dogs.

When we got home he shelled out to all the kids. It was funny to watch Cuyler trailing behind him shouting "I get it!" every time the dorrbell rang. And when Cam opened the door, Cuyler would say "Ohhhhhhhh! Hi kids!!"

Then the hockey game came on and that's when I got into a bad mood. I felt like I was run ragged by that time and had to fold laundry, switch laundry over, get clothes ready for tomorrow, get medicines distributed, get lunches ready for tomorrow, and certain things for the OT who will be on another consult with Cuys preschool tomorrow. And the husband is whining for me to come hang out with him. And watch either hockey (nuh uh) or Prison Break (nuh uh). I just feel like I was go go go go all day long and wanted some down time to do nothing. I didn't want to talk to anyone or be with anyone.
A trait my youngest son gets from me I guess.

I just thank God that today is over and that tomorrow is a school day.

I had a dream last night that I had my third baby boy. I was so disappointed when I woke up. In the dream I was carting the carseat carrier around, hanging out with all "3" kids, breastfeeding...it was nice. A nice dream. Probably not quite as nice a reality. But I do miss the baby days. Now that we're out of the baby stage and Cam is in big boy stage, Cuyler is (still) in the toddler stage - I miss the baby stage. And we're not in the best position to bring anoher child into our family. Plus Sean doesn't want another kid. He's such a jerk.
Kidding.
kind of...

Cam and I went for haircuts together this morning while Cuy was at school. It was such a lovely morning I had with him.
Cuyler had a great morning at school. His speech therapist went to visit him and observe and she was quite impressed with his progress.
His teacher told me today that of all the children in the class, Cuyler has made the most progress of all (as far as adapting to the program, schedules, routines). His langauge has jumped (not all functional) and he comes home singing songs and doing actions. And she said that if you didn't know he has a diagnosis, you wouldn't know he was any different from any of the other preschoolers. I am so thrilled and any reservations I had about this being the right place for him are waning.

Some of his skills - I want to be able to look back at this and see where we were:
He sings the Alphabet, The More We Get Together, 5 Little Monkeys, Sleeping Bunnies, Wheels on the Bus, Ring Around the Rosie and If Your Happy and You Know It, any and all Wiggles songs.
He requests any and all food he wants.
He is starting to use "I want" (I want candy, I want waffle, I want juice).
Greets everyone who comes into our home (Hi Nana! Hi Daddy!)
Is starting to use a spoon (appo-wass).
Loving books being read to him (I am thrilled with this!).
Wears a pullover sweater (as a jacket...I'll take it).
Wears a toque (a winter hat for those non-Canadians).
Brushes his teeth like a champ and requests it (we brush them for him).
Can count up to 15.
He's taking an interest in crafts and colouring
He is matching colours and shapes.
He is parallel playing with the other kids and imitating their play (YAY!).

I know there's more. Lot's more.

But I'm not one to brag about how smart and gorgeous and brilliant my boys are (even though they are SOOO all of those things - smart, gorgeous and brilliant)

I dropped Cuyler off at school today.
When he walked through the door a little girl and 2 little boys ran up to him and said "Hi Cuyler!" "Cuyler's here!!"
Do I need to explain how that made me feel?
I won't because I don't think I can articulate that emotion. I know that some of you who read this know the importance and significance of it. And you know that unexplainable emotion that I'm referring to. The "he's gonna be ok...we'll make it through this" feeling that comes over you when small (not so small to us) things like this occur. So the day started out good. Really good actually. Keep reading...

We're making progress. Poop progress. He has pooped evey other night (as opposed to every 3rd or 4th). Actually, he went Tuesday - and last night - AND this morning!!
Last night I did what any mother would do. I actually went through the diaper. Really really checking things out in there to see what was going on. And the first bit of stuff that came out was like hard rubber. I actually picked it up (don't judge me!) and the poop actually felt like a little hard bit of rubber. I couldn't believe that that is inside his body - poor boy. But it's working! I am so pleased that we're making progress in this area.

As far as the jacket...not so much...I bought a Wiggles keychain to put on his zipper pull to make the jacket less threatening to him. ( I bought this one...but recieved this one).
I put the (wrong) keychain on the zipper pull. He see's the jacket. He see's the keychain. He picks up the coat with his thumb and index finger, as though the coat is contaminated. I leave the room to back off him a bit, maybe let him get comfortable with his jacket...he walks out of his room, throws the jacket down the stairs and shows me the keychain. That is no longer attached to his jacket. The booger unhooked it from the zipper!!! He smiles and says "Wiggles toy!"

Yes, baby. You've got a new Wiggles toy.

Dammit...
On a positive note, the seller of the keychain told me to keep the wrong one they sent and they will send out a car keychain, asap at no charge.

Oh yes...and we recieved our "CSI" kit via UPS yesterday. We registered with ASD-CARC to take part in research studies that they conduct. So what we recived yesterday was actually a kit to collect saliva samples from all 4 of us to test our DNA. That's one of the studies they're working on. This should be an interesting part of the journey. I'm just glad that we're participating.

And I've been thinkng about Halloween. I've made the executive decision that Cuyler will not go trick or treating. He won't put his jacket on, nevermind a costume. He won't "get" it, nor do I think he would enjoy it. Knocking on doors and then leaving. Last year he ran into a strangers house, ran into their family room and started playing with their childs toys. I was so embarassed.
Plus, lately he gets a kick out of the doorbell ringing. When he hears it - he skips to the door and says happily "I get it!" I think he'd be thrilled having kids come to the door all night - albeit a bit frightening with them in costumes. But I think this is one of those occasions where we adapt to him and make it into something he'll enjoy, and not take him trick or treating because we want him doing normal things.
I'm starting to look beyond my need for normalcy and focus on his need for peace in his world.

Ick
I had a shitty day. I hated today.
And I should have known it was gonna be a bad one. I spent 30 minutes cleaning the kitchen last night before going to bed. I CANNOT stand waking up in the morning and coming down to a messy kitchen.
But I was still rushed off my ass this morning, trying to make each of them breakfast AND lunch and snacks for school.
PLUS I looked like shit today. You know when you look in the mirror and you can say "hey...I don't look too bad today..." or even "Wow...I look goooooood today"
But there are the days when I just avoid the mirror altogether because of the ugliness that I reflect. Like today.
So I get the kids off to school, tidy up a bit. Drink my coffee. Have some (not enough) me time. I go pick up Cuy from school. He had a great morning. Then I ruin it all by trying to put the goddamn jacket on him. It's so cold lately that he needs one. So the screaming van ride follows. I get him home and think he'll need his flax to get the poopers out of him. I give him an appo-wass with flax powder...and he drops it all over the floor. It was my last applesauce. Then proceeds to scream and cry for...ohh? I dunno....most of the afternoon.
It was weird and annoying. He was so random with the things he would say. Like he'd cry out "Forget your birthday Bob? French Fries! NO! Appo-wass...mow! Mow appo-wass"
So after about an hour of that, I was thinking about how much I hated my life. Didn't enjoy being a mom. HIS mom. Then started to feel resentful towards Cuyler for making me feel so shitty. Like - he's making me miserable. And it sounds bad. And I know I really don't feel that way. But in the moment I do. And I don't feel guilty for thinking that. Because that's the truth about my life. It can be really shitty and it can be really great.
Today wasn't really great.
I was also thinking "Fuck it. He can stay bunged up with the crap." I couldn't get the drops into him this morning because I couldn't find his dropper. He hardly had any flax today. And I didn't get a good tummy rub in. And I get extremely frustrated that I feel like I am responsible for making this work. So I think "Screw it. If he doesn't go...whatever. It's not worth my sanity to push all of this crap into him to get all his crap out of him."
I just feel like it's a never ending cycle of stuff that we have to do. None of my friends have to do it with their kids. And I'm jealous and I hate it. It sucks.
It fucking sucks.
I am so discouraged today.
So what if we get this colon thing cleared up? We're just gonna have some other shit to deal with. I just feel like we are in for a lifetime of dealing with shit. And I do not want to.
I sometimes feel like it's not even my life. How could this be MY life?
And Sean doesn't feel that way ever. I asked him while we were out for a drive on the weekend. He gave his usual shoulder shrug and said "You know I always say this honey. Cuy's Cuy and I don't think about him as autistic."
Well I do. Because I deal with his autism everyday. The good, the bad and the goddamn fucking awful.
Whether it's the diet, or the sensory issues, or behaviour issues, the social issues...it's my life. And I chose it as a stay at home mom. But like every other working person - I don't always like my job. Sometimes I really hate it. Like today.
Let's hope tomorrow is better.

This is for Sal regarding our parallel life:

I was in labour for 2 hours with Cam
I was in labour for 23 with Cuyler

Cam's been on puffers since he was 6months old
Cuyler's been on antibiotics once

Cam was lactose intolerant and had open sores on him bum from the diarrhea
Cuyler could swallow a hand grenade with minimal discomfort

Cam walked early - 10months
Cuyler walked late-ish - 16months

Cam spoke in full sentences by 15 months
Cuyler will speak in full sentences eventually

Cams high strung with his Mommy's wicked irish temper
Cuyler's laid back like his Daddy

Cam LOVES medicine
Cuyler runs for his life at the sight of a medicine dropper

Cam's skinny -4yrs old, 34lbs
Cuylers not - almost 3yrs old, 38lbs

Cam likes hockey, football and hockey
Cuyler likes Thomas, Wiggles and Franklin


bizarre...

Well, today was our first day on the new regime of increased this and that, added these and them, belly massage and a hot pack.
And so far...so good I guess. It's tough getting the Unda drops into him - they have to be given in water...and he likes "doos". Basically his juice is water with enough juice in it to colour it a bit.
I got the tummy massage and hot pack on this morning. And he got all of his supplements. And we increased his ground flax.
I was worried about how we were going to get it into him. Two teaspoons doesn't seem like alot, but when I measured out 1/2 tsp, I thought, "Frig - 3 more of these today."
But I put some on his toast (hid it in the jam) and I made my kickass chicken nuggets and put more ground flax than usual in my breading. And...AND...he had a teaspoon in his applesauce.
Now that may not seem like a big deal. But this kid has refused applesauce since going gfcf in May. Prior to that, he ate applesauce all the time. And not only did he eat applesauce this evening. He did this:




With no prompting. The little bugger has refused to use utensils for God-knows-how-long. We put the applesauce on the table, thinking he would refuse. Which he did. Then 2 minutes later he walked over and started eating it with the spoon.
Sean and I gave each other that look that we give each other when he does something terrific, but we don't want to make a huge deal out of it.
So I am extremely relieved that we have this as another option to get the flax into him. And he says it soo darn cute too "Appo-woss? Mow appo-woss?"

The eye drops I could do without. But he cannot...his eye is kinda nasty with all the boogers seeping out of it. I literally have to sit on top of him with my legs pinning his arms to his side, and my knees keeping his head still. (Sean is too much of a wuss to do it and makes me).
So we continue to put the drops in as aften as we can. They are homeopathic and if I don't see any improvement by Monday, I'm getting Polysporin drops for him.

I am making a gfcf cake for Sean right now. His birthday was Thursday but we are going to his parents for dinner tomorrow and I said I'd bring a cake so Cuy can have some as well (even though he is not to have sugar - I'm willing to cheat every once in awhile if it enables us do to typical things, like eat a piece of birthday cake on your daddy's birthday). And this way I can practice making a cake for Cuyler's birthday. Which (holy shit!) is in 3 weeks.
Good God.
He will be 3 years old in 3 weeks. Where did that go??? Honestly. Cam's life doesn't seem to be flying by like Cuyler's is. It is so bizarre. And scary. And a little sad.

I am, however, excited to see snow tonight. OH yes I am! I love winter. There's not much about winter I hate. Except when you shave your legs then go outside - Brrrrrr! Or jeans - I don't like how jeans "freeze" in the winter.
But I do love a crisp, cold day. I love red noses and pink cheeks! I love little ones bundled up in snowsuits, waddling around outside. I love skating in the rink we make in the backyard...but I guess it's a bit premature to get that far ahead of myself. It was just a light smattering of snow.
I've been wondering when to rip out the garden in the front. The snow is my cue and that'll be my job tomorrow.

How pretty is this?

A girl named Anna made this for me. She lives in Kentucky. We've never met, but I "know" her from a birth board I belong to. I still love my blue Floor Time bracelet, but this one is so pretty!

Sooo...I made an appointment with the Naturopath for today because I am tired of trying to figure out the poop mystery.
She believes that Cuyler has an impacted colon. She also consulted with the other Naturopath that works there and they both agreed that that's most likely what the issue is. An impacted colon is when hard stool forms around the inside of the colon, only allowing soft stool to pass through it.
They cannot be certain unless they do an ultrasound or have a comprehensive stool analysis done. Both of these options are out of the question for us as there is no way in hell Cuyler would tolerate an ultarsound. And the stool study is out of the question as the cost is between $350-$500 US.

Now we are treating him with Unda (3 different numbered compounds), we have increased his probiotic, increased his enzyme, added 2tsp of ground flax daily and we have to do castor oil abdominal massage followed by a warm compress every day (uhh...ya...that'll happen...). And we have to eliminate sugar - no easy task.
Oh! One more thing - he's got pink eye. So that means we also have to give him eye drops...good times...
I feel just awful for him. The naturopath said that he's probably got quite a bit of discomfort associated with it. If it is impacted, his colon is most likely inflamed and he's probably crampy and just feeling yucky.
She also said that if this is what it is and we can clear it up we should see a tremendous difference in him. I pray that this is what it is and we can fix it fast!
And selfishly enough - I am glad it's not dietary. We don't have to eliminate any foods except sugar (which we ALL should). Eliminating gluten and casein is tough enough, so when you're forced to remove yet another food - it just gets harder.
She did commend me for the commitment to the diet and said it's not easy to follow. I said it's easy when you get the results. That's all I need to motivate me.
I was in the grocery store yesterday and walked by a stack of EasyMac and remembered back to the "good ole days" of a convenient life. But now I have Cuyler. I'm not sure he was 100% with us back then. But since the fog has lifted and he has joined us, I'll gladly never go back to the convenient life if it keeps my son with us.

I almost forgot, Cam is on his annual October round of puffers. Every year of his life, he's had to go on puffers in October. Usually it's at the beginning (the first 2 years it was on Oct 6 - both years that we ended up in emerg with croupe, needing the nebulizer). I took him in last week and his lungs were clear, dr said come back in 1 week. So we tried everything to keep him off of them, but after we got about 3hrs sleep Wednesday night - I took him in and sure enough his lungs were crackling. So puffers for 2 weeks it is.

And I had to bring Cuyler with us. And he did NOT surprise me this time. He screamed and kicked and wailed the whole time. But at least I tried, right?

God I sound like Debbie Downer today.

Enough of that!

I finally figured out how to get the pics from my cell uploaded to the PC.
These are from hockey Tuesday night - a bit fuzzy because they're from the phone.
Gosh - he looks so wee out there!





This is Cam and his best bud Caleb fooling around afterwards. "Clowns" as Pete would call them!

As soon as I can figure out how to transfer pics from my phone to the pc, I will post Cams hockey pics from tonight.
Yes - tonight was his first night of hockey "school". I think it's insane that he's 4. And this is his third year skating. We bit the bullet and brought Cuyler to the arena with us. Last year he was not a fan of the arena. So we wouldn't always go together. And we would sometimes get a grandparent to watch him while Sean and I went. So we decided that we would all go. And give him a chance to not hate it. And he didn't hate it. In fact, he quite enjoyed watching the kids play hockey. "Pay hockey! Cam pay hockey!" Great...now he's a rink-rat. Just like all the other little brothers!

So we live by this from now on:

"Treat me as I am and I will remain as I am. Treat me as I could be and I will become that bigger and better man."

We will do things as any family would. And if it doesn't work, if he can't manage - at least we tried. He'll never surprise us if we never give him the opportunity to.

He's been pretty fun lately. I'm half wondering if it's the CLO/EFA removal.
Sean opened his door this morning and Cuy looked up a him and said "Ohhhhhhhh! Hiiiiiii Daddy!" What a way to start the day!
He was looking into the air yesterday and was softly waving his hands around in front of his face. I was freaked for a second. I'm thinking "Christ!...is he having a seizure??"
But then he looked at me and said "Sow-weee!"
He thought that the dust in the air was snow! I suppose I better start cleaning a little more thoroughly.
(in my defence it was the dust you see in the sunbeams that come through the window).

And I was disciplining Cam this afternoon and said rather sternly "Go on! Up to your room!"
Cuys starts laughing and repeats it, just as I had said it to Cam. "GO! To oh ooom!" He thought he was pretty funny. So did I.

They've also been seeing some great progress at school. So much so that they are pulling support on Tuesdays. They are pulling the TA 2 Tuesdays in Nov. Then all Tuesdays starting December. We'd prefer the support stay with him, however we think he'll do just fine.
As I typed this entry Sean changed Cuys dirty diaper. It was sour-ish and mushy.
Frig! Time to see the Naturopath.
Seans sister took this of Cuy and I. I have so few (read: none) pictures of Cuy and I, so I was happy that it turned out decent.

Something significant happened today.
Some people won't understand the significance of this. Many people will. Some will be thrilled and understands it's importance considering Cuyler's diagnosis.

This evening, after their baths, he was crawling on our bedroom floor. He crawled into our bathroom, turned around and crawled back into the bedroom. I said "Cuy! Whatcha crawling for??"

He looks up at me and said "Fog! Yibbit! Yibbit!"

He continued PRETENDING to be a frog for a few minutes as Sean, Cam and I were laughing at him. He just kept crawling around our room saying "Fog! Yibbit! Yibbit! Yibbit! Fog!"

Children with autism have a very difficult time with associative play, pretend play, representational play - whatever you want to call it.
Cuyler pretended the HE was a frog! No prompting from anyone. He just saw some animals on tv and thought "Hey...I'm gonna be a frog!"
We were shocked and not shocked at the same time. It was like "WOW! Cuyler! We knew you could do it!"
And he was doing alot of verbalizing. He was even using 4 words phrases. "I want more juice"
"I want more toast" And when he couldn't open a box, he'd say "Help me"
Lots of words today!! So nice to hear.
And I'm not sure what to make of this...whether it's representational in a good way or an "autistic" way.
He walks around with 4 small duplo blocks. A red, a blue, a yellow and a green. Always the same 4. And one day he hands them to me and says "Wiggles blocks".
Ahhh! Of course they are! Only we don't have any purple blocks, so the "Jeff" block is green.
He won't do much with them. Just carry them around. But to him - those blocks represent the Wiggles. I think it's a security thing - he's a Wiggles fanatic.

- - - - - - - - - -

Well - thank God for my friend Robin. After I blogged last night, I instant messaged her to discuss the diet stress I was under. She's a master of the diet and I tend to go to her often with issues like this one. She suggested it may be the EFA and not the corn. Which I never even thought of, but makes total sense. So he won't get any CLO or flax for a week and we'll see what happens. Let's hope this is it, and we can relax on the corn elimination...that's tough!!!!
If it is, we'll need to figure out how to get the essential fatty acids into him - they're super important for his brain.

I had a great day with Cuyler. He and I hung out most of the day together playing and singing and being silly. I really had no choice. I can't even pee without this kid at my side. He just so loves his Mommy. Which is great. To a point. At which I really just wish he would love his Daddy a bit more. But it was a really fun day. I can't remember spending that much time with him, just he and I. I was so freaking exhausted because as fun is he is, it seems that all of our interactions have a purpose behind them. Mostly FloorTime based - so it was like doing a full day of therapy.

Perhaps that's why we had a frog in our room this evening.

Why is nothing easy?
Nothing.
Right now, shit is making my life miserable. Shit - literally. Cuyler's shit more specifically.

I am about to give up this damn diet and feed him whatever the hell his little heart desires.
I often think that having that little autistic baby would be easier than figuring out this goddamn diet. I really do. It's not like it's a magic diet and makes him normal. Some things have improved and he's better in some areas, but is it the diet? Or is it him?
He NEVER had food issues before we removed gluten and casein. Now he can't eat a banana without the entire house smelling like decomposing garbage and him having shit up to his head (literally - that happens). Banana's are high in phenols. I don't know what phenols are, but I sure know what they do to my sons poop.
After we took out gluten and casein, he started crapping all day long. Literally he was just always poopie - and it was awful runny, rancid crap coming out of him. Then after a week or so, it slowed down and just got more oatmeal-y, still stinky.
Fast forward 5 months and the craps are the same. We've taken away yeast and sugar, because these kids can have an overgrowth. But that didn't change anything.
So corn was the next thing we should try. That's often an offending food for these kiddos. Now I thought gluten and casein was hard to get rid of....try corn...and anything derived from corn.
Dextrose, dextrin, maltodextrin, corn syrup, glucose, glucose-fructose, fructose, invert sugar, corn starch, modified starch, starch, corn oil, vegetable oil, margarine, shortening....
We try removing corn. And on Thursday he has his first formed shit in 5 months. And I think we've got it and am just thrilled.
But like always...1 step forward...and then we go right back.
He has a huge crap this evening. Back to nasty, mushy shit.

I'm thinking this whole diet thing is a crock. Seriously. He's never had 1 ear infection (which would indicate a dairy sensitivity).
He never had any bowel issues --- >we haven't NOT had bowel issues since May.
He was a great eater and wasn't picky at all before ---> now he only eats certain foods and refuses ALOT...he's picky.
He's never been intolerant to any foods ---> who knows what he's tolerating.
It's like gluten and casein free has MADE him intolerant to all of these offending foods. There are actually people out there who have taken their children off gluten, casein, soy, corn, rice, potaoes, yeast, sugar and eggs. What the fuck are these kids eating??????

Now I'm thinking to myself lately: what's easier?
We can't go out to dinner now because of his dietary issues
We couldn't go out to dinner before because of his behaviour issues (which were getting better)
We couldn't do alot of things because of his behaviour issues - which still exist
And we can't do alot because of his diet

And I hate that it's all me. That I'm pouring my soul into this because I had hope that it would help him. I'm the one calling Naturopaths, going online asking questions, reading articles, joining support boards. And I find that I am feeling more helpless and overwhelmed by everything that goes along with it. I'm the one who got upset and mad and frustrated by a diaper today. I feel like I'm working so hard with no payoff. He'll never be normal. No matter what. And, really, that's not our goal...but I can't help but think that his life will always be more difficult than others. If he stays on the diet - it's going to be a terrible struggle for him as he gets older. It's pissing me off. Everything's pissing me off. And I'm so sick of being pissed off.
And he's back to hating the jacket. The sight if it sends him screaming.
And another thing...I hate when I really like a song and then you hear it over and over and over and over and over and over again, and it just gets ruined. Like Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green day. I swear that's all I hear all day long from Cam...and he screams the lyrics. It was cute and funny for the first month or so...and he's decided he wants to be Green Day for Halloween. How the hell will we dress him like Billie Jo Armstrong??
At least he's sharing his mic with Cuyler now.

We're making progress with the jacket!! YAY!!
(Baby steps...but they're still steps!)

"Cuyler had a great morning except the jacket thing. He got upset as soon as he saw the other children getting their jackets on. After some effort and showing him his pic, he decided that he would hold onto the jacket. He played outside the entire time with the jacket in his hand and would not let go of it. He stayed on the teeter totter for quite some time, socializing, trying to communicate with the other children and making good eye contact."

This was part of what was written in the communication book by Cuylers EA this morning. Each night Sean comes home, he eats dinner and then sits on the couch with Cuy's book. I think it's his favourite part of his day.

When I dropped Cuyler off this morning, another child was being dropped off as well. She was talking to her dad. And I couldn't understand her when she spoke. Then I looked around and realized that many of them are not yet great talkers. And most are still in diapers. And I realized at that moment, how, in that setting, he is much more LIKE the other children than he is DIFFERENT from them. What a tremendous feeling that was. And All I could think was, "He's going to grow and develop with them."

We've been watching our home videos regularly for about a week now (since Cam asked about his birth). We watched up until last winter and I really can see why I was so concerned. At one point, when we were watching tonight Sean said "This is when you started to worry." Cuyler was 15 months old in the video. I said "No honey, I mentioned autism to the developmental consultant when he was 11 mos old."
"Oh ya..."
He was such a different baby than Cam. And the irony is - they tell you not to compare. But the way they diagnose autism is by comparing. That's what the ADOS (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule) is. A comparison of your child against typically developing children and their milestones. So don't compare. But if you wanna find anything out...compare...ugh!

We had a huge BLOWOUT this morning...more like 3am...and by huge blowout, I mean that Cuyler had a massive shit that soiled his comforter, both sheets, mattress pad, books, and even some of his puzzle pieces had poo on them.
And - because Cuyler has the bestest Daddy in the world, he got a bath and everything!!
Just when I think that we may be getting somewhere with the mystery of his bowels, we get this. So now that his system is cleaned out - we will start fresh and only put good stuff into him. He's off the CLO and the corn. Once we get a nice formed poop, we add them back 1 at a time and see which one is the offender! What a pain in the ass this diet is. But it's helping...keep remembering - it's helping...

Cam is so awesome! Just before bed tonight he said to Sean "Daddy, if I help you keep the house clean, can we have another baby?"
Sean said "Uhhhh...no Bud, I don't think so."
Cam starts crying this ever-so-dramatic cry. I was so proud of him. Taking my side like that. But, ya, keeping the house clean will not give us another baby. Otherwise it would be spotless 24/7 - I'd make sure of that. So I'm content in my kinda tidy, sorta clean home. And 2 kids. Content - kinda. Damn you Sean!

I can't be that annoyed with him. he did find my Canada Dry Cranberry Gingerale! Geez - I just love that stuff. It doesn't usually come out til closer to Christmas. But he found some - and bought me a case!
So, now it's time for my CranGingy and AR8 - Family Edition!

Is it really in the eyes?
I'm not sure. They say that you can see into a persons soul through their eyes and that children with autism are losts souls, so you can't see into their eyes. That's why the eye contact is such a huge thing. I'm not sure I agree with that analogy.
My Mum says that she still feels as though he's looking through her as opposed looking at her. I guess I can see why. I always feel like he's looking at me. I can take a picture of him one day and he's not engaged and I can take another where he is - like the above pic I snapped earlier this evening.
Who knows...all I know is that I've got gorgeous boys. And they both have amazing dark eyes.
I've been wondering alot lately about what Cuy would be like if he weren't autistic. I know it probably sounds bad, but I sometimes have little fantasies that play out in my head about the things we'd talk about if he were conversational, like the typical kids his age. The other day someone was talking about how their kid never shuts up and how they wish they could get a moments peace from the kids voice. What I would give to have Cuyler talk my ear off for a day. An afternoon. An hour. Even with Cam, I loved hearing his voice and his words. It always amazed me, and still does, how he became this little person who thought things and shared ideas and made up stories. I just can't wait for the day I can experience that with Cuyler.
Maybe we're getting everything later and things are taking longer because Sean has decided we're done having kids, so I get to keep Cuy young for awhile longer. That's fine, but I could do without the diapers. Which reminds me - we only have to pay for diapers for another month!!!! Easter Seals provides funding to cover the expense of toileting supplies to children over 3 with a diagnosis.
I don't know why - but I feel like this is somewhat of a milestone. I guess because he'll be OLD enough to qualify for this service.
I have mixed feelings as we approach November and his third birthday. I am reminded of where we aren't. It wasn't long ago that Cam turned 3, so I remember it well. For Cam's third birthday we had a bunch of his little friends over for an easter egg hunt. I remember how excited he was. Cuyler has no concept of his birthday - other than associating the song "Happy Birthday" with eating cake. Cuyler has not had a friend party yet. He doesn't really have friends. But he has a family and extended family who are 100% committed to him...and the friends will come in time.
I'm signing off tonight with some cute pics of my baby boy. I took them all earlier this evening. His sweet cheeks make me happy. And I just love his perfect lips.

Warning...bad day:
I'm not feeling the "peace" at the moment.
It's days like today that I wonder what I did to get stuck with this life. Am I being punished for something?
And why is it that when I think we're moving ahead, we take 5 steps back?
FUCK I hate this life. hate it.
I hate the unpredictability of autism and I hate the highs and lows. The highs are great, but the lows are SoOoO low.

I pulled Cuy from swimming lessons and cancelled the rest of the session. I left the pool in tears and I hate when that happens. And it happens far too often for my liking. It's humiliating. They decided to switch the Parent Tot swimming lessons to another pool area. Well, change is not exactly a good thing for a child with autism. He needs predictability and needs to know what's coming next. And he doesn't always "get it" when I explain things.
We get there about 5 minutes early and Cuy sits on the top step of the pool so just his legs get wet.. We're told that we're not allowed in the water prior to lessons "but I won't make you rip him out of the water" thanks...
"Oh and you shouldn't really have other toys in the water" hhhmmmm...but he needs his Wiggles car to function. So she lets him hang onto it.
Time to go to the other pool area. And that's when he loses it. He nails me right in the corner of my brow bone with the car. He's flailing. Fighting me tooth and nail. I'm trying not to slip and fall on the wet pool deck while trying not to drop him or be on the recieving end of the car again.
We sit on the top step of the other pool and he is not having it. I know that there will be no calming him. And my eye is throbbing. When I touch it - it's numb.
Trying to control him during a fit is one thing. It's quite another when I feel half naked in my bathing suit. I'm embarassed, I'm in pain and extremely frustrated. I feel the burn of the tears and think to myself "Ooohhhh...don't you dare start to cry. Show them how tough you are. This is nothing."
Then I see the other kids in the pool wih their Moms and they're ALL smiling happy and splashing. Then I think "Screw you all...I'm outta here" I get up and ignore the instructor as she is saying something to me. He doesn't stop crying until after he's dressed. That's about when I stopped as well.
No more lessons. For now. Maybe in the spring we can try again.

Now...to all you people who think that it makes me feel better when you tell me I was chosen to be his mom for reason - it doesn't, I hate it - so stop.
I don't want to be the mother of a child with autism. It's not fun. It's frustrating. It's sad. It's terrifying. It's infuriating. It's lonely.
Try living your life feeling those emotions more than you feel happiness, joy and elation.
So if I was chosen, it was pretty mean of whoever chose me.

There you have it - he's on a bike!!

And here's another fun thing about Cuy. He wore this hat for about 6 hours today. 4 1/2 of which he was indoors. He refused to take it off at school the entire morning. He finally took it off at 2:30 when he ripped it off his head and turfed it at me because he didn't want to go in. But it was too hot. Yes - TOO HOT on October 4 (I think it reached close to 30C)...extremely muggy and we had to put the a/c on again.

I was on a support board that I've been on for awhile now...long before the official dx I would lurk on the board because I knew I'd be a member one day - unfortunately. But one mom was asking how we deal with "it". "IT" being the fact that our child/ren have autism. She was totally honest in her description of how she felt. Wondering why she was given these kid (she has 2 boys on spectrum), sometimes wants to give them away b/c she's so afraid of the future, trying not to be jealous of pregnant women, resentful of people with NT children among other things. All the things I felt. She finished by wanting to know how to get that feeling of "peace". As I read her post, I would remember back to when I did feel that way on an ongoing basis, when I felt all of those things and more...
Then I realized that I've been pretty at peace with things for awhile now. Ya...it sucks and it's not easy and ya...it's scary. But I try not to think about how horrible the future might be. Because I don't think it will be. It might be...but I doubt it. I enjoy him day by day. For his little funnies - like the hat today. Or the bike ride he requested - using words. Not much for most people - but enough to make me happy.
Now...if only I could stop wanting another baby so bad...
We were at Tara and Darby's this evening and he took Darby by the hand, pulled him inside and asked for a Wiggles video. THAT WAS HUGE! Sean and I looked at each other with the "WOW" expression. Those are the unexpected moments that we live each day for.

And of course we're watching the relationship develop between 2 brothers as Cuy comes further into our world.

And we welcome him with open arms.

Well, if I didn't have babyfever before, I sure as hell do now.
We have quite a few friends expecting right now so there's alot of pregnancy chit-chat going on - but that's not giving me the fever. I guess because so many babies are due (or OVER due...Tara!) Cam's been hearing alot about babies and what not. Tonight he was lying on my lap and asked me as he was settling down for the night "How do babies get out of their moms bellies?"
Sean pauses the tv, awaiting my response.
"The mommy pushes the baby out through her vagina."
He looks up at me, thinks for a second and says "okay"
Then about half hour later he asks about when he was born. "Did I come out your vagina?"
"Yep. Wanna see when you were born?"
"YA!!!!"
So we went down and got Sean to find the tape of when he was born. And we start to play it. Holy shitballs was I a fatty! I was 102lbs pre-preg. At delivery I was 167. Yeah - total fatty...
So it's PG tape, no private-part shots. But he saw himself being born. I gotta say. Watching myself give birth is quite the adrenaline rush and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I am the oddball who enjoyed giving birth. I didn't mind labour - only 90 minutes with Cam, but the 18 drugfree hours of full-on, hard labour with Cuyler was ok (plus I had 4 drugfilled hours after that). I love giving birth and I hate the fact that celebrities ELECT to have c-sections. I can't imagine not going through the process of my body delivering my baby.
And funny - at one point it shows me nursing Cam with these huge porn star boobs. Whatever happened to them? Oh ya...2 years of breastfeeding would do that...poor things...
So yeah...the baby fever is still there...probably always will be.

Cuy rode a bike today! Cuy rode a bike today!! We had a ton of fun outside after supper, all 4 of us. I was so proud of our little foursome. We're working on Cam with no training wheels and I got on his bike and started showing him (YES - I got on Cams bike). Cuyler thought it was the funniest thing in the world, so Sean got a little bike out of the garage and put Cuy on it. He has ALWAYS resisted getting on a bike and never really been on one before today. At first he couldn't pedal, but after awhile of trying he managed to get his feet on the pedals and Sean helped him. Cuyler kept saying "Goo boyee!!" With a huge grin on his face - it was priceless. And of course, we didn't have the camera handy. I'll try and snap a few pics tomorrow.

Another interesting thing today. I took Cam swimming tonight. There is a boy there who is autistic. He has a worker with him and I noticed his dad wearing the blue puzzle bracelet. I approached him (Dad) and asked about the Reach For The Rainbow program that helps children with special needs particiapte in rec programs. I told him about Cuy and stuff. We chatted til the lessons ended and in the changeroom he told me we'd talk again next week and shook my hand and introduced himself (like "by the way I'm.....")
I asked if he lived closeby and he said he did, and gave me the main intersection. Which just happened to be our intersection. They live down the street from us. So that is 4 families (5 boys total) in our small subdivision that I know of. Is that nuts or what??????????
Anyways...it just got me thinking. Is it like this in every neighbourhood? It must be. The stats are between 1 in 150-200 kids affected, so we're bound to meet many many more families affected by ASD as we move along the path.

I must give props to DHill for fixing my blog and getting the comments back up for me!! Thanks and many congrats to you and Karen! Awesome news!

Are rare moment of peace between the boys. Of course after I took this picture, Cam kept on bugging Cuy, Cuy whacked Cam in the side of the face.

Well, we've had good days interspersed with bad moments. When I'm with Cuy - he's awesome and I can't stop kissing his cheeks and he's fun and makes me laugh.
When I'm on my own and just start to think about things, I get annoyed, resentful and angry.

I took him to swimming lessons on Thursday and he did not too bad, but not great. He is happiest sitting on the steps and gets defensive when I try to take him into the water. I hated seeing all the others, who are younger than him having fun and laughing and jumping while he clung to my neck repeating "All done wee-mee! Out! Out! bye bye!" I can't figure this kid out. Last session - he did awesome. Played, participated and we even got a life jacket on him once.
He still won't wear an outdoor jacket. And the sight of one sets him off. I picked my jacket up from our hall bench to hang it up and he got upset "Bye bye ja-ett! Alldone!" So he'll either have a very cold winter or a very boring indoor winter.

I also do not like the fact that all of the things I had planned to do - we more than likely will not do.
I was "supposed" to have 2 kids in kindergarten next year. And we'll probably keep him back.
And we were "supposed" to sign him up for skating this winter. And we didn't.
And he's "supposed" to be in swimming lessons without me. But he isn't.
I shouldn't still be buying diapers. But I am.
We shouldn't still be taking a stroller everywhere. But we are.
I should be working fulltime to help pay the bills. But I can't.
My son shouldn't need this stupid diet to keep him from living in a fog. But he does.
My son should have had solid shits. But he hasn't since May.
He should be able to wear a jacket without it terrorizing him. But he can't.
They should both be going to Nana's for a sleepover. But they're not. Because he won't.

I just want a normal life. With normal children and do all the normal things that all my normal friends with normal kids are doing.
But I am on a very different path from them. I don't want to be here. But I'll keep going. Because it's not all bad. Alot of it is. But alot of it isn't. I have some very wonderful new friends who are also on this path. So I know I'm not alone, no matter how often I feel like I am.

I should also mention that he is a fabulous "tooth brusher". He is actually letting us brush is teeth. Porperly - tops, bottoms, fronts, backs. He has super clean teeth - finally. He seems to enjoy it as well. He counts to five. And in between counting he praises himself "Goo boyeee!"
Yes baby, you are a good boy!