I really don't think I'm ok.
I know I'm not ok actually.
I do not think I'm cut out for this gig I've got as a Special Needs Parent. I posted awhile back about feeling the "peace". I think that was just a good day he had.
Because I probably haven't felt that since I wrote that entry.

I feel like I'm letting my kids down and my husband. I suck at this. I can't keep my house clean and I feel like I can't keep my kids happy.
My goal was to vaccum the house today. All I got vaccumed were the boys rooms. But the downstairs NEEDED it badly...and the vaccum never made it down there until Sean did it after supper.
And I don't know what to do with Cuyler. Half the time I can't stand him and the other half I simply adore him.
Today, I just didn't want to exist.
All I had on my need-to-do list was to do was run to the grocery store to pick up some juice that we desperately needed. We had to pass McDonalds to get there. He immediately begins to scream when I don't pull in. And he continues until I get to the store. I feel a shoe hit me in the back of the head....deep breath in...
I go around and unbuckle him and he's still wailing and flailing and screaming, ripping my hair out, scratching at my face and trying to bite my arms. Two things kept me from dropping onto the pavement (on purpose) - the man shaking his head and staring at me in the car beside us (whose face I just wanted to punch), and Cam. I didn't want to totally lose it in front of him.
So I think "fuck it - juice can wait. And there is no way in hell he's getting fy fies now."
So he screams the entire way home flinging his head side to side in a way that made me think "Great he's doing even more damage to his brain. Just what I need."
I get on my cell phone and call Sean and leave some crying-my-eyes-out, crazed message about how I hate my life and I hate autism and I'm so sick of the bullshit that we go through all the time and nothing is easy and he's so miserable and I know you started smoking again so just grow some balls and admit it and stop lying...
THEN, I get home and in the mail there is a letter from the Attorney General for Sean. He's got jury duty. Why the hell can't I get ONE DAY off for jury duty?????? And we have an Cuyler's integration meeting scheduled for that day.
I was so pissed off. Not only does he get and outlet from home at work. He gets an outlet from work at jury duty...damn...

I've come to the conclusion that I can't do it anymore. I need help and I can't be the person in charge of everything anymore. I need someone to come in and help me deal with these behaviours that just break me to the point of public meltdowns. I've put a call into a behaviour therapist and I hope to hear from her by weeks end.
Normally we would have just gotten him some french fries A)to reward him for communicating and/or B) to shut him up, but we can't continue to let these tantrums control everything and I believe that he's learned that's what happens.
I know that typical 2-3 yr olds throw tantrums, but these ones are beyond control and they can takes AGES to calm him from one.
I think the big thing that people do NOT understand is that his receptive language and comprehension are so limited and delayed right now that we cannot talk him out of it. He doesn't understand when we explain things like "When we're done here, we'll go there." He couldn't understand that we were going to go to McDonalds after the store (I needed to get cash first). Somedays he can throw tantrums intermittently for hours...he's hot and cold - happy for 5 minutes, miserable for 10, all day long. And they are completely unpredictable. Most of the time we'll know our denial to one of his requests may set him off - but sometimes they come out of nowhere. And when he's in one, his strength can surpass Seans - and Sean's a BIG guy.
So, to my mother-in-law who thinks we spoil him...GIMME A FREAKIN BREAK. If we do things that appear that we are spoiling him or giving in - it's a matter of survival at this point. That's all I'll say about that cuz I know she reads this.

And I need a job. I want a job. Just something part time to get me out doing other things, bringing in some money. I applied for one that would begin in January, working from 9-noon, Monday to Friday. How perfect would that be?????
Cuyler's daycare has space for Cam in their kindergarten room if I need it and Sean's dad will be retired so I've asked him to take him on the Friday mornings that he's not in school. It's probably not going to be enough money to really help us out, but I think I'd like the work and once the kids were both in school fulltime, I could move around within the company. The best thing (ok maybe that's not the right term) is that the founder of the company has an daughter with autism and he has given a grant to UWO (Univeristy of Western Ontario) and started an autism research team...definately a company I want to work for. I hope to hear back from them in the next few weeks.
God I hope they call me!

I've said it in the past and I will continue to say it...If God has given me a special needs child, hold off on the friggin PMS...especially the week of Hallowe'en. Geez!