Warning...bad day:
I'm not feeling the "peace" at the moment.
It's days like today that I wonder what I did to get stuck with this life. Am I being punished for something?
And why is it that when I think we're moving ahead, we take 5 steps back?
FUCK I hate this life. hate it.
I hate the unpredictability of autism and I hate the highs and lows. The highs are great, but the lows are SoOoO low.

I pulled Cuy from swimming lessons and cancelled the rest of the session. I left the pool in tears and I hate when that happens. And it happens far too often for my liking. It's humiliating. They decided to switch the Parent Tot swimming lessons to another pool area. Well, change is not exactly a good thing for a child with autism. He needs predictability and needs to know what's coming next. And he doesn't always "get it" when I explain things.
We get there about 5 minutes early and Cuy sits on the top step of the pool so just his legs get wet.. We're told that we're not allowed in the water prior to lessons "but I won't make you rip him out of the water" thanks...
"Oh and you shouldn't really have other toys in the water" hhhmmmm...but he needs his Wiggles car to function. So she lets him hang onto it.
Time to go to the other pool area. And that's when he loses it. He nails me right in the corner of my brow bone with the car. He's flailing. Fighting me tooth and nail. I'm trying not to slip and fall on the wet pool deck while trying not to drop him or be on the recieving end of the car again.
We sit on the top step of the other pool and he is not having it. I know that there will be no calming him. And my eye is throbbing. When I touch it - it's numb.
Trying to control him during a fit is one thing. It's quite another when I feel half naked in my bathing suit. I'm embarassed, I'm in pain and extremely frustrated. I feel the burn of the tears and think to myself "Ooohhhh...don't you dare start to cry. Show them how tough you are. This is nothing."
Then I see the other kids in the pool wih their Moms and they're ALL smiling happy and splashing. Then I think "Screw you all...I'm outta here" I get up and ignore the instructor as she is saying something to me. He doesn't stop crying until after he's dressed. That's about when I stopped as well.
No more lessons. For now. Maybe in the spring we can try again.

Now...to all you people who think that it makes me feel better when you tell me I was chosen to be his mom for reason - it doesn't, I hate it - so stop.
I don't want to be the mother of a child with autism. It's not fun. It's frustrating. It's sad. It's terrifying. It's infuriating. It's lonely.
Try living your life feeling those emotions more than you feel happiness, joy and elation.
So if I was chosen, it was pretty mean of whoever chose me.