Ick
I had a shitty day. I hated today.
And I should have known it was gonna be a bad one. I spent 30 minutes cleaning the kitchen last night before going to bed. I CANNOT stand waking up in the morning and coming down to a messy kitchen.
But I was still rushed off my ass this morning, trying to make each of them breakfast AND lunch and snacks for school.
PLUS I looked like shit today. You know when you look in the mirror and you can say "hey...I don't look too bad today..." or even "Wow...I look goooooood today"
But there are the days when I just avoid the mirror altogether because of the ugliness that I reflect. Like today.
So I get the kids off to school, tidy up a bit. Drink my coffee. Have some (not enough) me time. I go pick up Cuy from school. He had a great morning. Then I ruin it all by trying to put the goddamn jacket on him. It's so cold lately that he needs one. So the screaming van ride follows. I get him home and think he'll need his flax to get the poopers out of him. I give him an appo-wass with flax powder...and he drops it all over the floor. It was my last applesauce. Then proceeds to scream and cry for...ohh? I dunno....most of the afternoon.
It was weird and annoying. He was so random with the things he would say. Like he'd cry out "Forget your birthday Bob? French Fries! NO! Appo-wass...mow! Mow appo-wass"
So after about an hour of that, I was thinking about how much I hated my life. Didn't enjoy being a mom. HIS mom. Then started to feel resentful towards Cuyler for making me feel so shitty. Like - he's making me miserable. And it sounds bad. And I know I really don't feel that way. But in the moment I do. And I don't feel guilty for thinking that. Because that's the truth about my life. It can be really shitty and it can be really great.
Today wasn't really great.
I was also thinking "Fuck it. He can stay bunged up with the crap." I couldn't get the drops into him this morning because I couldn't find his dropper. He hardly had any flax today. And I didn't get a good tummy rub in. And I get extremely frustrated that I feel like I am responsible for making this work. So I think "Screw it. If he doesn't go...whatever. It's not worth my sanity to push all of this crap into him to get all his crap out of him."
I just feel like it's a never ending cycle of stuff that we have to do. None of my friends have to do it with their kids. And I'm jealous and I hate it. It sucks.
It fucking sucks.
I am so discouraged today.
So what if we get this colon thing cleared up? We're just gonna have some other shit to deal with. I just feel like we are in for a lifetime of dealing with shit. And I do not want to.
I sometimes feel like it's not even my life. How could this be MY life?
And Sean doesn't feel that way ever. I asked him while we were out for a drive on the weekend. He gave his usual shoulder shrug and said "You know I always say this honey. Cuy's Cuy and I don't think about him as autistic."
Well I do. Because I deal with his autism everyday. The good, the bad and the goddamn fucking awful.
Whether it's the diet, or the sensory issues, or behaviour issues, the social issues...it's my life. And I chose it as a stay at home mom. But like every other working person - I don't always like my job. Sometimes I really hate it. Like today.
Let's hope tomorrow is better.
posted by Irish @ 8:28 PM
8 Comments:
HI CHRISTINE, I AM SORRY YOU HAD SUCH A BAD DAY. I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU MY FRIEND AND I HOPE TOMORROW IS A BETTER DAY!
GO TO BED EARLY TONIGHT AND GET SOME SWEET SLEEP.
- ANDREA
Hi Christine,
I love the honesty in your blog. I too have felt similar to how you felt today at times. You know what? It's OK to feel that way. Hell, sometimes I feel ENTITLED to feel that way without guilt. If I had to choose a movie title for my life I would choose The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Today sounded like an ugly day for you. But, those good days feel so much more wonderful with Gabe, because I am more aware of him than most NT moms are of their children. Just because I have to be. Each word he speaks is a miracle to me. He started saying "No" recently. What NT mother would tell you that the word "No" from their child's mouth is music to their ears?
I hate days like this. For me, I think what makes them so bad is that even on the BEST days these days loom in the back of my mind as a sign of things to come.
Sometimes India's autism has made me feel like I'm on some kind of borrowed time subject to change at any moment because of her mood swings. I can't wait til she can just TELL me what's wrong so she doesn't go days being cranky.
This would all be easier if we didnt absolutely adore them, no?
Yeah, it's not fair. Every mom has to be one step ahead of her kid, but we have to be about 10 steps ahead of our kids- anticipating each possible reaction... Some days it just makes you so tired.
I am not a stay-at-home mom, and sometimes I am glad. It's a lot of pressure on you to be a therapist and doctor and teacher for your son, all day long. Hang in there. Sorry we can't job share!
Irish, I do hope you're having a better day. I know the feeling. Sometimes it feels like the crappy days outnumber the good days and, sometimes, like Sal said, it's hard to forget, even on the good days, the bad one lurking in the closet.
Feel free to bitch out to us whenever you need to.
hey christine i totally understand love. just remember i love you and cuyler and sean and cam and you are with us every single day.bitch and swear just whenever you feel like it.youi earn that right every single day. love to you all.
dad
Christine my kids have none of the special issues you deal with daily, and I still have days where I think "SCREW THIS, I'm going back to work." Its amazing that you're there, doing it, and doing it well. We all have our days...
Hang in there. Hopefully we'll catch up soon - if I ever get some me time that's not spent heaving or sleeping.
Here's to a brighter - less shittier - tomorrow!
You know.. reading your post Cuy reminded me a lot of Ryan. He is a "typical" child with a DA and a bit of a stubborn streak.... so really.... your life isnt' that far out of "norm". I know- that doesn't help, does it? ((HUGS))
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