No photo's. I'm posting from the laptop. And I'm in a bad mood.
I'm sure I'm pms'ing and I sure it hope hurries up and f's off. I was so so so hating my life today. We don't think Cuy's been feeling 100% lately. He's been cranky and just looking so...autistic lately. He's still as cute as a button - but I haven't been feeling great about his progress for the past week.

Sean's not been himself either. Which, for me, is the worst thing that can happen. I can't even describe how he is when he's "off"...there is just something about him that's not...oh I don't know...he's just very somber and quiet.
And I mean "off" to the point where is friends are asking what's wrong with him. I feel alone in all the shit when he's like this. It happens VERY rarely. And I have to not think about how it affects me. I have to let him go through his emotions and understand that he's stressed too.
We have no money. We have a special needs child. Those 2 are huge stressors. Add to it the fact that I feel I have no goals in my life. No direction.
I have no problem putting my kids first. Especially when it comes to Cuy and his stuff. But there is the non-mom part of me (YES - we all have that part) who is pissed off that I can't get my hair cut, or can't go shopping on a Saturday afternoon. I want to get up in the morning, shower, dress nice and feel like someone needs me to be there as a productive member of a team...and pay me money. When I'm home with my kids - epecially Cuyler - I feel like I do nothing but talk to myself. Then there are the days where I don't do anything with him, because he'd sit and drive a car back and forth for 2 hours...and i don't feel like doing his therapy...then I think what a shitty mother I am for leaving him to do that.
But the thought of working outside the house and not being a stay-at-home-mom is so terrifying to me...not ready for that.

Why the fuck do we have an autistic kid????
We have friends who will never know the things we go through. They will never know.
I have MANY friends who have 2 healthy, happy NORMAL kids. I wonder alot what that must be like. It must be really nice. I bet it is.

***SIGH***
Luckily enough my bowels have kept themselves at bay with all of my stress. Those who know me, know they tend to go a bit awry when I'm stressed. And I've been stressed.
Cuyler goes to school tomorrow. I can't even type it without tears in my eyes. My baby boy being left there. I think "What are we doing to him?" Even though we've had him on the wait list since LAST January and prayed that a spot would open up for him. Now it's here...and I'm terrified...won't be able to sleep tonight (and I think I'm being a tad dramatic).
I made his lunch already...chicken nuggets. His Franklin lunch bag is packed. He's ready to go...but am I ready to send him? Sean will be with me to dry my tears as we walk out the door. Cam will be there too. He's excited to get some Mummy time tomorrow morning. I'm excited about that too.
Cam's such a good kid. A great kid. He was playing with a couple of kids (a boy and a girl) today who are about 9mos older than him. They were just mean most of the day (as usual)...little buggers...Cam has a heart of gold and he just doesn't get it when they're teasing and being mean. Cam would be the first one to invite anyone into his play. These kids were building forts for the purpose of excluding him "Let's build a fort and not let Cam in" and then Cam would offer to friggin help build it. Or they'd pretend to make signs that said "No Cam's allowed" They'd take up all the space in the fort and say there was no room for him (when there so clearly was). It broke my heart, but I just let him deal with it. Mommy can't fight his battles and I wanted to see how he would handle himself. He would get angry and cry and run home. Then run right back!!!!! I think he just thought they'd eventually be nice.
It just doesn't occur to him to be mean or exclude or tease...I never want him to lose that.

I will finish now...I could go on all night. If you read this - please think of Cuyler and send some

~*~*~*~*I love my new school!~*~*~*~* vibes to him.


These are for Josh:
~*~*~*I love my new school~*~*~*~*I love my new school~*~*~*~*I love my new school~*~*~*~*
Good luck Joshie! Good luck Corrine!

SIX MORE DAYS TIL U2!!!!!