Just a quick visit to Hell today.
Cuyler turns 4 a week from today. For the last 3 yrs I've somewhat privately dreaded his birthday. He's not so "young" anymore. As in - "You caught it young." "You got him diagnosed so young."
Well he's almost four. And right now he's in the basement screaming.
Why? you ask.
I have no fucking idea. I know he's not feeling 100% - just like the rest of us. And I'm sure the fact that Sean was hacking up his insides this morning at 5am and Cuy woke up at 5:30 isn't helping him. But I definately am not helping him.
I don't know what set him off. Maybe nothing did.
I can't settle him. I can't even carry him up to his room to let him work it out in there.
I feel useless at the moment. And the crying and screaming is pissing me off. Because he can't tell me what's wrong. I should be able to settle and calm him.
And what the hell am I going to do in the new year when he pulls this and I have a newborm screaming.
I do not cope well at all...
So back to him turning 4.
This time last year, I was hopeful that he'd have much more language when he turned 4. Ya...he's made good progress, but I guess my expectations were higher.
Especially as I write this and all I can hear are the extremely annoying autistic noises coming from the basement.
"JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????????"
That's what I want to shout.
Instead, I tried all my tricks - cuddling, rubbing his back, deep pressure, finding his fave book. But nothing.
Something's got his craw.
I thought by 4 we'd have made some progress with the toileting. But no. And he's starting to outgrow the diapers thanks to Pampers New and Improved Flex Fit. They suck and I hate them now. And he won't keep pullups on. And he won't wear underwear.
This sucks and I hate it.
I want him normal. Talking and toilet trained. Like all the other 4 yr olds I know.
"Cuyler's crying is starting to annoy me Mommy." said Cam
"Me too. Let's go outside and play in the back." I replied.
Maybe the fresh air will keep me calm.
posted by Irish @ 12:28 PM
3 Comments:
i don't even know what to say.
i hope the fresh air did it's trick.
you are seriously the most patient person i'm ever "met" you are a great, great mom. Cuyler and Cam are both lucky to have you!
You are not alone.
I could have written this post this morning.
C was screaming. Why? Who knows. I told him, "Talk and tell me what's wrong or stop crying!"
It wasn't my finest moment.
You look awesome!
Cuyler may be a child with Autism, but he is a child FIRST! Ryan - who is nuro-typical - spend 2 hours in tantrum mode the last 2 nights. why? I have NO clue! yes, he is verbal- VERY verbal... but he still couldn't tell me why b/c he was too worked up. And OF COURSE all of this woke the baby up.... I know it is hard, but you can't put all of his negative behavior on the Autism. No kid is perfect.
BUT you are the mom - and a GOOD mom - and you will resiste the urge to restrain him with duct tape. you will give him a hug and fix "it" whenever he figures out what "it" is. You will keep trying to teach him to use the potty and he will keep learning new words. b/c you love him.
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