The hawk is being removed tomorrow. It got mixed reviews. It looks really cute when it's all spikey and sticking up, but it doesn't stay that way and it just looks kinda silly to me. So Sean will buzz it away tomorrow - we wanted to give him 1 day in between without trauma. Which is all haircutting is to Cuyler - trauma.

We had Cuy's case conference this morning with all of his team members. I called it just for my own peace of mind and clarity. I needed to physically see who was with us and hear what they were doing. And I needed them to see each other and hear each other. And for all of them to hear Sean an I speak about our boy and our hopes and expectations for his future.
We had his occupational therapist, his developmental consultant, the supervisor for Community Living, the supervisor of the childcare centre, the resource consultant, the speech path and the community intervention worker.

I thought I could get thru it without crying. But I couldn't. Everybody introduced themselves and their role. Then we were asked to speak a little bit about Cuy and what he is all about. I had to get Sean to because I welled up and knew I couldn't without crying. I am just so passionate about my boys and get so emotional when I have to talk about Cuyler in particular. Sean did a great job of telling them what an amazing little boy he is and what we hope for him. I was able to interject here and there to re-iterate the points that we wanted to make ie: we will not allow his diagnosis to define him or put a ceiling on his abilities or our expectations. We expect him to be treated as any typical child - that's why he's integrated.

Then they went around and spoke of the goals we've worked on thus far and what will come in the future. We are transitioning from the Parent Infant Program to Intergration Services, so I wanted them to give and get feedback to make the transition as smooth as possible. I think it went well and I feel very positive about the whole thing. We got what I wanted to get accomplished.

Then I cried again when Debbie was leaving - she's our developmental consultant and has been with us since Cuy was a wee baby. She and the OT (who will stay on with us). Debbie is an extraordinary woman, who is smart and so supportive. I am so sad to have to leave her. We have bonded with her as a family and even Cam will miss her. She was so wonderful to all of us.

I wonder when I'll stop crying. I think I cry once a day. And it's not all sad crying. It's my way of getting all the toxic shit out of me. I often cry when I think of how great Cuy is doing - tears of relief. The release of tension and stress manifests itself in the form of tears and a good cry.
I think I am just so incredibly raw right now - emotionally stripped down to the bone as far as my emotions are concerned. And I am totally fine with that. I enjoy a good cry. And I find that on the days where I have the bad cries - the scared out of my wits, sobbing sad cries, those are the nights when I sleep the best. Like I've emptied all my energy reserves and my body totally shuts down. I love those sleeps. I guess a payoff for the hellish days I sometimes have. I imagine it's all part of my process. There is no set pattern or method to my process of grieving. I'm happy and blessed that I've got what I've got and then I'm resentful and pissed off and hate the world and my life. And there is no rhyme reason to it. Just any given day, one or the other hits. And I don't like to call it grieving. I'll call it coping from now on.

But today is all that matters and today was a good day. We are feeling pretty damn good about our future.