Thinking aloud (or...online...)

Okay...so some more time passses between blogs...
And I feel the same as I did before.
Is Cuyler getting worse? Or is he getting older and just not moving forward?

My facebook status last week read: Christine needs to be more thankful and less resentful.
I feel like half the time I look a people with bitterness. Because they will never know what it is to be me. Because I feel like it sucks to be me.
And I have alot to be thankful for. ALOT.

But today I was at the park with 2 girlfriends and their kids. And all I could think of was how much easier my life would be without autism. How Cam is missing out on the relationship with his brother.
When he was little I felt badly because he was missing out on the "normal" sibling relationship. Sean reminded me that this is Cams normal. And it comforted me for a few years. But he knows now. He see's his friends. He see's how they interact with their brothers. He see's how the kids Cuy's age can ride bikes, play hockey. He see's how all the kids from his class last year are in grade 1 and Cuyler is once again in kindergarten.

Yesterday I took Cuyler to a birthday party. And I should not have but I had to at least try. It was a reptile party where a guy comes with a bunch of reptiles. Pretty cool. But all Cuyler did was lie on the floor and roll around. The guy asked everyone to be quiet and Cuyler started shouting out the names of Thomas books. "Thomas Comes to Breakfast!" "Gordons New View!" "Percy's Close Shave!"

And I will admit it. For the first time ever - I was embarassed by him. Along with that, I felt tremendous guilt about being embarassed.
There were other parents there. A couple of grandparents. And a bunch of kids. All in his class. All four years old - he is almost 6. All having fun and interested in the snakes and lizards.
And there was Cuyler. And he was the farthest thing from "blending in"
At pizza time he sat in the kitchen by himself. Well...with me.
And at present time he FREAKED out because he wanted to open the presents and wanted it to be his birthday. Screaming. Grunting.
He was obviously autistic. And I was embarassed.
The kids were looking at him. The parents were purposely not.
So I took him home and swore he would never go to a birthday party again unless I know for sure it will have meaning for him.
And I realized that not taking him to birthday parties is in his best interest.

Another difficulty lately has been with the diet. All he wants is french fries. Or pizza. Or bacon or waffles. Thats it. I don't think it's a food jag either. It's been months.
This gfcf diet it SO doable. So easy to live with now that we have been with it for 3.5yrs...if only he would EAT the goddam food I cook. I spend time and energy and money making these meals that he turns his nose up at and refuses to eat.

I'm hoping that this is the tail end of a funk and the corner we turn will reveal some fantastic changes in Cuy's development.

Because there are days...some day after day after day where I want to quit. Just leave. Walk out. Where I think I cannot wake up to endure another day of autism.
I thought by now that autism would be a very small part of my day to day life but I find that it still, 4 years later, consumes me. And I'm ready to move on from it.
But alas...that is not a choice I have.
(Which makes it that much more difficult...)

Eva is my darling. My chatterbox. My firecracker. My sunshine.
Talking up a storm and keeping the house happy. She makes everybody smile or laugh. Even Cuyler!

I ended my last post pretty negatively. So I won't this time: