I'm in a funk and I don't like it.
Enough of a funk that I called an made an appointment to talk to a therapist. I requested a new one. I liked the one I had before...I just want someone fresh.
I knew it was creeping in, but it wasn't until today that I realized I need to stay ahead of the shit that is to come.
We finally saw an OB after having all my prenatal care with my family dr.
It was the OB who delivered Cuyler and he remembered Sean and I.
Four years later.
He said "Ya...you don't forget days like that."
I said "We've been trying to for 4 years."

I think just being there. Talking to him. It hit me that - yep - we're having another baby. And I have to give birth again. And the anxiety peaked today.
He wants me to have another ultrasound. "As a follow up to your 20 week ultrasound."
And I don't believe him. All I can think of is "What isn't he telling me?" "What if they find something wrong with this baby?"
I've never had an ultrasound after 20weeks.
All afternoon I was just in a tremendously blah mood.

When I got pregnant in the spring I told Sean that I'd need to start seeing a counsellor in the fall/winter. Before the baby is born. Just to keep one step ahead of any depression that may (ok...that WILL) hit me. It is fall. Soon to be winter.
The very fact that I have no desire to see this baby on an unltrasound was my cue to get on it. And so I have.
I'm not all that excited about bringing home a new baby. I do terribly post partum. If we get another non-sleeper like Cuyler - I'm so screwed. (I'm even thinking of dropping 25 bucks for one of these)
And lately...I don't even really like the names we've picked.
I just want to feel better. Happy. Excited.
Instead of anxious. Scared. Sad.
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On a positive note - Sean is feeling much better!
He's gone back to work. Coughing alot less, but still very tired.
Now he has to put up with me. And my funk.