YESTERDAY:
TODAY:
My baby is not well. This is when autism scares me. When things are wrong with him and we can't know what it is. He can't tell us what hurts.
He's got a fever. We don't know how high, because he won't let us take him temp. Nothing in his ears, nothing under his arm and stay the fuck away from his rear end.
So we use our best judgement and feel his feet or his tummy. I let my instincts tell me when he needs Tylenol or Motrin. And giving that to him is a hassle. He needs to be restrained between our legs. He took it well from Sean last night. Perhaps we're turning a corner?
Sean said the dreaded words this morning; "If he's still fevered tomorrow, take him to the dr."
Going to the dr with Cuyler is one of my very least things to do. We pull into the parking lot and he starts shouting "BYE! ALL DONE! BYE BYE DR CHU!" We get out of the van, he's flailing. I have to walk up about 20 steep steps. We go in and check in.
They know us well enough to not call us in to the consult room until the dr is ready for us.
There really is no point in going. He screams, kicks and flails for the duration of our time there. I can't even talk to the dr over his screaming. The dr can't get near him to listen to his chest, or check his ears or eyes.
But a responsible Mom would take her sick child to the dr, wouldn't she?
I just pray to god that he's not warm tomorrow morning.
I want him to be well.
And I don't want to go to the dr.
I just wrote a nice post on a message board about what Cuyler means to our family and how his autism has been a blessing in some ways:
I truly believe that his autism has enriched our lives. It has strengthened my marriage, it has given my older a child a perspective and insight that not many 4 yr old have. They have this crazy/amazing relationship where they "get each other" like no one else gets them.
Through him, we have met many wonderful people.
Because of him I have stepped up to the plate as a mother and as a person.
But today I hate it. I hate autism. I hate that it makes having a fever so much worse than "just having a fever". I freak out that he'll have a seizure - alot of kids with autism also have siezures.
I worry that there is more going on and he just has no idea what it is. And he can't tell me. And I feel like I can't help him.
I feel like if autism were something tangible right now, I'd pull it out of him, and step on it and stomp on it and hit it and punch it til it was mush and couldn't do anything else to my boy.
But it's a part of him. Part of who he is. Part of what makes him Cuyler.
It's just not one of my most favouite parts right now.
posted by Irish @ 10:38 AM
5 Comments:
since he still uses his paci, have you tried the ones with the thermometer built in? I know they aren't the most accurate, but I'm sure it's better than "I think he feels warm"
ya..he's very picky about his sooothers...he'd toss it at us - the bugger!
There's never a time in my life when I think autism has been anything near resembling a blessing in our lives. My life would probably be eaiser if I thought that way at least every once in a while.
I hope he's feeling better soon. Its always disconcerting when they're so sick and can't tell us why.
Sal - very rarely do I look for (or find) the silver lining...but every so often it's pretty apparent.
Reading your post and Sal's about the zoo- both are taking me back today. I have been exactly where you are- Henry has often been kind of a sickly kid.
But the good news is, now that he's 6, I read this and I think "oh yeah, I used to feel that way with Henry. That sucked." But now he can somewhat tell me what's wrong, and he'll take medicine a LITTLE easier, with a bribe. And SOMETIMES he cooperates with the doctor now, instead of just flailing and screaming the whole time. (I never take his temperature, that's a lost cause.)
It will get easier as Cuy grows and continues to learn. I know that doesn't help much right now. Sorry. I hope he feels better soon.
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