MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

This is the photo we used for our Christmas card this year. I had to take a pic of it as the scanner is kaput. But I was thrilled with the image! It's the first one we've been able to get done in 2yrs. The photographer took about 25 shots and there were about 3 or 4 that were really good. This is the one we settled on. It was difficult for me to watch the photo shoot because Sean challenged me to not tell the photog about Cuy's diagnosis. So we didn't. But after 10 minutes of hearing her say "Look at me! Over here Cuyler! Look at the camera! Stand there! Don't move! Smile! Say Merry Christmas! Look at me!"
I thought to myself - Geez, this is an autistic kids nightmare!! I could see she was getting a little bit frustrated, but he did a great job overall considering there were a ton of props and other things to distract him.
I just think it's odd that we sent out 30 of these pictures and it will be outdated in 2 weeks when we add a 3rd child!

There was one day a few weeks back when Santa came for a visit to Cuyler's school. I had no idea and his teachers surprised me with this picture when they came in. He looks somewhat terrifed, but apparently he was SUPER excited to see Santa. I tend to believe that as he goes nuts to see Santa at the mall.


---------------------------onto more serious business-----------------

It's hard for me to believe that one year ago I was full of optimism and I was so excited about our future. I was so excited about Cuyler's future and I was looking forward to what was ahead of us.
Lately I've been feeling dread. Thank God Sean is as optimistic as he is.
I have had a really difficult time coping with the many tantrums Cuyler continues to have on a daily basis. I can't remember the last day that we didn't have at least one.
I get frustrated and angry because I feel like I've been stuck in the same stage for 4yrs. Yes...I suppose many of his behaviours are typical of his age, or his age of development. But I've been living it for 2 years. I feel as though I've been in the throws of the shittiest terrible two's for 4yrs. And now he's having a hard time at school. Every single day, something happens at school and he has at least one major meltdown.
At least when you have a typical child, you go from one stage to the next. Each offering their own set of challenges. But this has just been the same. We aren't evolving from this behaviour to that. I feel like we've actually gone backwards. He can't tell me why he's mad. He can't tell me who hurt him. He can't tell his teachers what is making him freak out. And frankly - I'm tired of it.
Tired of being his Mom most days.
And add to it I'll be caring for a newborn very soon. And I get pissed off that I'm not excited about this baby. I just dread bringing it home and wonder how the fuck I'm going to take care of it while managing Cuyler and keeping him busy and calm.
That's my rant for the day. Geez...what a horrible post for Christmas Eve!

I do try to find the good in the challenging.
For instance, I was folding laundry 2 days ago. Cuyler walked up and said "Oh. Hi Mommy." I said "Hi Cuyler."
He then grabbed an armload of the laundry I folded, ran away and said:
"I Swiper! Your tooooo late! You'll never find these clothes now!"
And he threw them all over the room. I almost wet myself laughing. I have no idea what prompted it. There was no tv on. And he was bouncing on his trampoline prior to doing it. It made the task of doing laundry that much longer. But, man oh man, was it funny (only if you're familiar with Dora, I guess!)

I pray that we have a good day today. Christmas Eve is always good at the in-laws. Seans mom is German, so we do the big Christmas there on the 24th. Big turkey dinner then downstairs for tons of presents! Even Sean and I get spoiled rotten!
Then we come home, put the kids to bed and await Santa's arrival. We made the decision when we had kids that we would spend every Christmas day at our house. Lazing around in jammies and playing with their new toys all day long. And whoever wants to come join us is more than welcome. This year my Mom and Dad will be here for Christmas day and dinner.
So...on that note - I will head off now to prepare for a fun-filled Christmas 2006!
Stay tuned for pics!