I turned 31 today.
It sounds so old to me. 31. Thirty one. I'm 31.
This is a big deal for me to admit it, y'know. I usually tell people that I'm 28. I like that age. I loved being 28. It just sounds nice. I'm 28. Sean even told a co-worker of his I was turning 28 (he's so awesome!)
But if 31 seems so old to me - why do I feel too young to be finished having kids? Seans wants a "V". I won't let him. But I feel like I have to respect that as "his" decision - and not mine. But the thought of being DONE done, makes me feel extremely sad. I want to be pregnant again. I want to deliver another baby (no - I'm not insane), I want to nurse again...B U T , I like being slim with no stretch marks and telling people I have 2 kids. I like walking around the beach in my bikini with my kids. Too vain? Okay then, I really like sleeping thru the night after 3 years of not.
So yes - we are still at that impasse - he's done...I don't know if I am (but I guess if he is - I am...grrr!) I just don't want to be completely finished while all of our friends are still getting pregnant and having babies. Well, there's always hope that the condom pops or we can do what we did when we got pregnant with Cuy (middle of the night, pretty-much-still-alseep sex...)
Okey dokey. Enough of that talk.
I had a great birthday, Cuy sang Happy Birthday "Oppy Booduh to ....you" and gave me one of his kisses - a nice one on the lips along with about 3 minutes of arms-around-the-neck cuddles! AWESOME!! Sean and I went to the movies (Wedding Crashers - funny stuff!) and to YoYo's for sushi afterwards while Mum babysat.

We hired a physiotherapist to come into our home and teach us how to play and engage with Cuyler.
It sucks that somebody has to teach us how to do that. There's something that's a bit demeaning about that. Being taught how to talk to your own kid. But I gave myself completely to the process and let myself be vulnerable. I let go and listened to her and let her tell us what we need to do for him. It was embarassing being told how to do things. But I had to get over that and just be open to all of it - for his sake.
I can totally see how this will help him. He responded well to her and she gave us some really good advice. Now we need to train ourselves out of what we've been doing with him for the past 2.5 years and train ourselves into Floortime. Very exciting! She observed us playing with him and told us what to do and say differently. Simple things like referring to myself as "I" or "Me" instead of "Mommy". She did tell us that he has great foundation skills and she said "This kids going to be talking. He's going to do very well!" What a great feeling. But it's not an easy thing to learn. Making everything a purposeful and engaging him as often as possible. Opening and closing circles - that's our goal. It's a bit daunting, but we're up for it.

I almost feel bad that my blog is titled what it is. Life is nowhere near Hell these days. Sure, we have our moments, sometimes hours, sometimes even days - but nothing like it used to be. Thank God.


~C