I am so freakin annoyed right now.
There is this picture of Cuyler that floats around our house. He is a wee baby (was he ever really wee?) and he's asleep on Sean's chest. He's bald (they both are) and his face is so ROUND. He's just about 4 months old in it. It is one of my favourite pics.
But for some reason - I hate how it makes me feel. I pine for him to be that little again. I wish for that time back with him as a round pudgey baby. I would love to be able to get one more day with him back then...just rewind for a few hours. To hold him, to bounce him, to snuggle with him up to my neck, to nurse him. When things were normal and I didn't have the labels and the shit that goes along with "special needs". Sometimes I feel like there's this cloud that follows me. And I remind myself to get over it. If we weren't dealing with autism, there would be something else making life a bit more difficult. It's all relative. I get pissed off because I think that I consumed myself with worry when he was little and didn't fully enjoy his babyhood. So I want it back. I want a re-do.
Anyhoo - I am annoyed because I wanted to post the picture and the scanner isn't working. It's one of those old fashioned pictures, taken with a 35mm camera...weird, I know...but I will post it as soon as I can figure out how to connect the scanner to the computer.

Sooooo - big day for Cuyler tomorrow (Tues)! CIP starts (Community Intervention Program). I've been all nervous about him starting daycare in September...and today I realized that tomorrow I am going to be dropping my baby boy off with 5 people he has never met, into an environment he has never been. God I could cry thinking about it. Cam will be with me and I am afraid Cuyler is going to think we've abandoned him...better break out the Imodium.

He did 2 new things today. He was singing the theme song to Franklin (the turtle):
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Kwaykway, Heeeeeeeeeeeeey kwaykway"
...he calls Franklin "Kwaykway"

and the clever boy asked for "more swing". Basically he needed a push. It was more like "Mo-ah Sweeee" 2 words together! I was thrilled!
We're getting there - ever so slowly, but surely. I know that's one blessing with having a special needs child. We celebrate every single skill. Alot of things that may not be a big deal with typically developing kids. They're HUGE for us.

Well - wish us luck at CIP and I will be sure to update (with that picture too!!)

Thanks for reading!
Christine